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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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College Football Signing Day

As Signing Day approaches, Onion Sports analysts break down the nation's top prep prospects.

  • Mario Edwards: At 6-foot-4, 297 pounds, he’s easily the freakiest of the freaks of nature that populate the top of the recruiting list
  • Stefan Cummins: Prototypical right tackle's body, which is a nice way of saying this kid is pretty disgusting
  • Delonte Charles: Division I-A talent nonetheless looking mostly at Big East schools
  • Jim Billings: A great punter, Billings would make a very useful addition to any team not embarrassed to be recruiting a punter
  • Jamal Jefferson: The Arizona State commitment is expected to play right away, but it would be nice if they at least let him unpack his stuff first
  • Cregg MacAlister: Has an unusual combination of size and agility, because when a man is 565 pounds it's not normal for him to be able to move at all
  • Eddie Williams: Will probably redshirt his first year at Alabama, because that is what color shirts they wear
  • Ted Ginn III: The new Ted Ginn is out!

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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