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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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College Football Signing Day

As Signing Day approaches, Onion Sports analysts break down the nation's top prep prospects.

  • Mario Edwards: At 6-foot-4, 297 pounds, he’s easily the freakiest of the freaks of nature that populate the top of the recruiting list
  • Stefan Cummins: Prototypical right tackle's body, which is a nice way of saying this kid is pretty disgusting
  • Delonte Charles: Division I-A talent nonetheless looking mostly at Big East schools
  • Jim Billings: A great punter, Billings would make a very useful addition to any team not embarrassed to be recruiting a punter
  • Jamal Jefferson: The Arizona State commitment is expected to play right away, but it would be nice if they at least let him unpack his stuff first
  • Cregg MacAlister: Has an unusual combination of size and agility, because when a man is 565 pounds it's not normal for him to be able to move at all
  • Eddie Williams: Will probably redshirt his first year at Alabama, because that is what color shirts they wear
  • Ted Ginn III: The new Ted Ginn is out!

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