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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.
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College Football Signing Day

As Signing Day approaches, Onion Sports analysts break down the nation's top prep prospects.

  • Mario Edwards: At 6-foot-4, 297 pounds, he’s easily the freakiest of the freaks of nature that populate the top of the recruiting list
  • Stefan Cummins: Prototypical right tackle's body, which is a nice way of saying this kid is pretty disgusting
  • Delonte Charles: Division I-A talent nonetheless looking mostly at Big East schools
  • Jim Billings: A great punter, Billings would make a very useful addition to any team not embarrassed to be recruiting a punter
  • Jamal Jefferson: The Arizona State commitment is expected to play right away, but it would be nice if they at least let him unpack his stuff first
  • Cregg MacAlister: Has an unusual combination of size and agility, because when a man is 565 pounds it's not normal for him to be able to move at all
  • Eddie Williams: Will probably redshirt his first year at Alabama, because that is what color shirts they wear
  • Ted Ginn III: The new Ted Ginn is out!

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