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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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College Football Signing Day

As Signing Day approaches, Onion Sports analysts break down the nation's top prep prospects.

  • Mario Edwards: At 6-foot-4, 297 pounds, he’s easily the freakiest of the freaks of nature that populate the top of the recruiting list
  • Stefan Cummins: Prototypical right tackle's body, which is a nice way of saying this kid is pretty disgusting
  • Delonte Charles: Division I-A talent nonetheless looking mostly at Big East schools
  • Jim Billings: A great punter, Billings would make a very useful addition to any team not embarrassed to be recruiting a punter
  • Jamal Jefferson: The Arizona State commitment is expected to play right away, but it would be nice if they at least let him unpack his stuff first
  • Cregg MacAlister: Has an unusual combination of size and agility, because when a man is 565 pounds it's not normal for him to be able to move at all
  • Eddie Williams: Will probably redshirt his first year at Alabama, because that is what color shirts they wear
  • Ted Ginn III: The new Ted Ginn is out!

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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