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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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College Meal Plans

As they head to college for the first time, freshmen will be faced with a wide array of meal plans through their dormitories. The choices can be dizzying. Here are some of the typical university dining options.

  • The Girl, Interrupted: 2 daily servings of Vicodin, Valium, laxative, unlimited coffee. $20/week with insurance, $80 without
  • The Open-minded Bohemian: Includes daily vegan, macrobiotic, menudo, and beef-tongue options. $100/week
  • The Freshman 15: Unlimited access to mouthwatering sundae bar, Otis Spunkmeyer cookies, and Domino's Pizza. $20/week
  • The Thrifty: Daily portions of leftover rolls, perfectly good remains of mostly uneaten personal pan pizza, excess fries, and one bonus meal a week consisting of whatever is left in the kitchen that just isn't moving. $10/week
  • The Latchkey Kid: A loaf of Wonder Bread, a package of Oscar Mayer bologna, a box of Cheerios, and a quart of whole milk. $30/week
  • The 72: If you can eat your college's signature 72-ounce frittata with Diet Coke and noodles in one hour, you don't have to pay. $2,000/$0
  • The Breakfast Anytime: Provides preferred round-the-clock waffle-station access to those wearing pajama pants. $115/week
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