College Meal Plans

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Vol 46 Issue 37

Weird Coworker Knows Where Every NFL Player Went To College

PHILADELPHIA—Whether it be a top rookie from last year's draft or an obscure offensive lineman who has been in the league for 14 years, SRS Consulting's Ryan Janis seems to know where every NFL player went to college, his coworkers confirmed Monday.
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College Meal Plans

As they head to college for the first time, freshmen will be faced with a wide array of meal plans through their dormitories. The choices can be dizzying. Here are some of the typical university dining options.

  • The Girl, Interrupted: 2 daily servings of Vicodin, Valium, laxative, unlimited coffee. $20/week with insurance, $80 without
  • The Open-minded Bohemian: Includes daily vegan, macrobiotic, menudo, and beef-tongue options. $100/week
  • The Freshman 15: Unlimited access to mouthwatering sundae bar, Otis Spunkmeyer cookies, and Domino's Pizza. $20/week
  • The Thrifty: Daily portions of leftover rolls, perfectly good remains of mostly uneaten personal pan pizza, excess fries, and one bonus meal a week consisting of whatever is left in the kitchen that just isn't moving. $10/week
  • The Latchkey Kid: A loaf of Wonder Bread, a package of Oscar Mayer bologna, a box of Cheerios, and a quart of whole milk. $30/week
  • The 72: If you can eat your college's signature 72-ounce frittata with Diet Coke and noodles in one hour, you don't have to pay. $2,000/$0
  • The Breakfast Anytime: Provides preferred round-the-clock waffle-station access to those wearing pajama pants. $115/week
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