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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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College Meal Plans

As they head to college for the first time, freshmen will be faced with a wide array of meal plans through their dormitories. The choices can be dizzying. Here are some of the typical university dining options.

  • The Girl, Interrupted: 2 daily servings of Vicodin, Valium, laxative, unlimited coffee. $20/week with insurance, $80 without
  • The Open-minded Bohemian: Includes daily vegan, macrobiotic, menudo, and beef-tongue options. $100/week
  • The Freshman 15: Unlimited access to mouthwatering sundae bar, Otis Spunkmeyer cookies, and Domino's Pizza. $20/week
  • The Thrifty: Daily portions of leftover rolls, perfectly good remains of mostly uneaten personal pan pizza, excess fries, and one bonus meal a week consisting of whatever is left in the kitchen that just isn't moving. $10/week
  • The Latchkey Kid: A loaf of Wonder Bread, a package of Oscar Mayer bologna, a box of Cheerios, and a quart of whole milk. $30/week
  • The 72: If you can eat your college's signature 72-ounce frittata with Diet Coke and noodles in one hour, you don't have to pay. $2,000/$0
  • The Breakfast Anytime: Provides preferred round-the-clock waffle-station access to those wearing pajama pants. $115/week
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