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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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College Sports Cutbacks

As the economy founders, we look at some of the ways the athletic departments of our nation's universities are tightening their belts:

Fresno State: Even the 2008 College World Series champs will be forced to play the entire season with only two bases

Boston University: Financially stable after receiving the vast riches that come with winning the NCAA Hockey Championship

Ohio State: After outstanding plays, Buckeyes football players will now receive Chiquita banana stickers for their helmets

USC: Women's gymnastics canceled following 77 percent rise in cost of scrunchies

Virginia: The JumboTron at Scott Stadium is being downgraded in size and pixel quality to a RegularTron

Michigan: Should be $11.5 billion in the black after next month's "Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is" alumni festival

Wisconsin: Beloved mascot Bucky Badger must suffer through yet another year without pants

UNC: Selling off Tyler Hansbrough for parts

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