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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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College Sports Cutbacks

As the economy founders, we look at some of the ways the athletic departments of our nation's universities are tightening their belts:

Fresno State: Even the 2008 College World Series champs will be forced to play the entire season with only two bases

Boston University: Financially stable after receiving the vast riches that come with winning the NCAA Hockey Championship

Ohio State: After outstanding plays, Buckeyes football players will now receive Chiquita banana stickers for their helmets

USC: Women's gymnastics canceled following 77 percent rise in cost of scrunchies

Virginia: The JumboTron at Scott Stadium is being downgraded in size and pixel quality to a RegularTron

Michigan: Should be $11.5 billion in the black after next month's "Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is" alumni festival

Wisconsin: Beloved mascot Bucky Badger must suffer through yet another year without pants

UNC: Selling off Tyler Hansbrough for parts

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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