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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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College Too Expensive?

The National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education issued a report last week warning that college costs are in danger of outstripping family income. What are some cost-cutting measures universities can take to ensure they're more affordable?

Not be so uptight about keeping campuses clean or safe

Charging only for amount learned

Proposed tax cut for students who can graduate in one semester

Replace RAs with 20-minute looped video on the dangers of STDs

Suggest students just bring along their old textbooks from high school

One communal shower per campus, totally unrelated DVD sales

Turn junior year abroad into a daylong bus ride down the interstate.

Lower tuition

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