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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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College Too Expensive?

The National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education issued a report last week warning that college costs are in danger of outstripping family income. What are some cost-cutting measures universities can take to ensure they're more affordable?

Not be so uptight about keeping campuses clean or safe

Charging only for amount learned

Proposed tax cut for students who can graduate in one semester

Replace RAs with 20-minute looped video on the dangers of STDs

Suggest students just bring along their old textbooks from high school

One communal shower per campus, totally unrelated DVD sales

Turn junior year abroad into a daylong bus ride down the interstate.

Lower tuition

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