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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Comic Book Movies Dominate Summer Box Office

With The Avengers having taken in $1.5 billion worldwide, and the final installment of the Batman trilogy due in theaters this month, movie companies are rushing to option more comic book properties. Here are some currently in production:

  • Wizard Of Id: Christopher Nolan directs this gritty take on the corrupt world of Id, a medieval land ruled with an iron fist by a corrupt tyrant (Peter Dinklage)
  • Captain America 2: Marvel gives audiences exactly what they want: a two-hour-long montage of Captain America struggling in vain to grasp modern technology
  • Wonder Woman: Someone went through Joss Whedon's trash, found some notes, and ran with it; no invisible jet—she’s basically a really strong Mary Tyler Moore
  • Bean’s Crazy Fruit Stand: Based on the famous ’20s comic, this modern-day telling shows the adventures of young go-getter Billy Beans and the hazards of selling fruit next to a whorehouse
  • Kir-B: A Golden and Silver Age comic book artist, who tragically perished before his works were turned into blockbusters, is revived as an invincible cyborg who takes his revenge on the evil corporation that earned billions on his creations
  • Plastic Man’s Ocean Adventure: Trapped in the form of six-pack rings, Plastic Man wraps himself tightly around the neck of a pelican and embarks on a magical journey across the Atlantic
  • My Comic Book, By Tony: Eight-year-old Tony Janson’s graphic tale of a post-podiatrist-appointment trip to get ice cream comes to life
  • Prez: Come hell or high water, you're going to have a $250 million production of this 1973 DC Comics series about a teen president of the United States, even if the original comic was a total failure, because that's how we do it now, dammit

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