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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Common Benefits Of Cat Ownership

  • Cats are adept at defending your home from mouse-sized robbers.
  • Now you’ll have something to do with your hands as you detail your diabolical schemes to a captured secret agent.
  • Recent studies have shown that cat owners feel superior to others after being told of recent studies proving cat owners are superior to those around them.
  • Adopting a cat means that those second-rate children’s names you’ve been sitting on might finally be put to use.
  • Taking care of a pet can teach children responsibility and never to leave the screen door open.


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