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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Common Benefits Of Cat Ownership

  • Cats are adept at defending your home from mouse-sized robbers.
  • Now you’ll have something to do with your hands as you detail your diabolical schemes to a captured secret agent.
  • Recent studies have shown that cat owners feel superior to others after being told of recent studies proving cat owners are superior to those around them.
  • Adopting a cat means that those second-rate children’s names you’ve been sitting on might finally be put to use.
  • Taking care of a pet can teach children responsibility and never to leave the screen door open.


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