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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Common Benefits Of Cat Ownership

  • Cats are adept at defending your home from mouse-sized robbers.
  • Now you’ll have something to do with your hands as you detail your diabolical schemes to a captured secret agent.
  • Recent studies have shown that cat owners feel superior to others after being told of recent studies proving cat owners are superior to those around them.
  • Adopting a cat means that those second-rate children’s names you’ve been sitting on might finally be put to use.
  • Taking care of a pet can teach children responsibility and never to leave the screen door open.


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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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