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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Company Paying For Bad Drugs

Last week, British drug manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline agreed to pay $750 million to settle civil and criminal complaints alleging that for years the company knowingly sold bad, contaminated, and ineffective drugs. Here are some issues with the products it sold:

  • Paxil: Was found to be flawed when a number of patients reported they were still aware of their problems
  • Tagamet: Studies have shown this acid-reflux drug has potentially dangerous side effects when combined with aspirin, Tylenol, or water
  • Daraprim: Cheap orange gelcap knockoff left Cheetos-type stains if held in hand for more than three seconds
  • Imitrex: Tips of old screws clearly sticking out of most pills
  • Coreg: Long marketed as a heart-health treatment, this product actually proved to exist only in pen, notepad, and stress-ball form
  • Dexedrine: While this simple medication of pure amphetamine continues to effectively treat ADHD and narcolepsy, it also caused 47 percent of patients in clinical trials to stay awake for five straight days listening to Lou Reed's Berlin over and over
  • Avodart: Researchers admitted that they just dumped a bunch of leftover chemicals in a beaker and sold it as-is
  • Professor Bailiwick's All-Purpose Cranial Liniment: This topically applied medicine failed to live up to claims of preventing typhus, consumption, Injun magic, and deficiency of manly character
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