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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Company Paying For Bad Drugs

Last week, British drug manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline agreed to pay $750 million to settle civil and criminal complaints alleging that for years the company knowingly sold bad, contaminated, and ineffective drugs. Here are some issues with the products it sold:

  • Paxil: Was found to be flawed when a number of patients reported they were still aware of their problems
  • Tagamet: Studies have shown this acid-reflux drug has potentially dangerous side effects when combined with aspirin, Tylenol, or water
  • Daraprim: Cheap orange gelcap knockoff left Cheetos-type stains if held in hand for more than three seconds
  • Imitrex: Tips of old screws clearly sticking out of most pills
  • Coreg: Long marketed as a heart-health treatment, this product actually proved to exist only in pen, notepad, and stress-ball form
  • Dexedrine: While this simple medication of pure amphetamine continues to effectively treat ADHD and narcolepsy, it also caused 47 percent of patients in clinical trials to stay awake for five straight days listening to Lou Reed's Berlin over and over
  • Avodart: Researchers admitted that they just dumped a bunch of leftover chemicals in a beaker and sold it as-is
  • Professor Bailiwick's All-Purpose Cranial Liniment: This topically applied medicine failed to live up to claims of preventing typhus, consumption, Injun magic, and deficiency of manly character

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