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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Company Paying For Bad Drugs

Last week, British drug manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline agreed to pay $750 million to settle civil and criminal complaints alleging that for years the company knowingly sold bad, contaminated, and ineffective drugs. Here are some issues with the products it sold:

  • Paxil: Was found to be flawed when a number of patients reported they were still aware of their problems
  • Tagamet: Studies have shown this acid-reflux drug has potentially dangerous side effects when combined with aspirin, Tylenol, or water
  • Daraprim: Cheap orange gelcap knockoff left Cheetos-type stains if held in hand for more than three seconds
  • Imitrex: Tips of old screws clearly sticking out of most pills
  • Coreg: Long marketed as a heart-health treatment, this product actually proved to exist only in pen, notepad, and stress-ball form
  • Dexedrine: While this simple medication of pure amphetamine continues to effectively treat ADHD and narcolepsy, it also caused 47 percent of patients in clinical trials to stay awake for five straight days listening to Lou Reed's Berlin over and over
  • Avodart: Researchers admitted that they just dumped a bunch of leftover chemicals in a beaker and sold it as-is
  • Professor Bailiwick's All-Purpose Cranial Liniment: This topically applied medicine failed to live up to claims of preventing typhus, consumption, Injun magic, and deficiency of manly character
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