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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Congress’ Agenda For 2014

The 113th United States Congress returns to Capitol Hill this week. Here are some of the key issues that will define their upcoming session:

  • Debt Ceiling: Christ, again with this shit.
  • Americans With Disabilities Act: In an effort to reconnect with old fans, Congress is hoping to pass this 1990 favorite once more.
  • Obamacare: Time is of the essence as the start of 2014 leaves Congress with just 5,437 more attempts to repeal the Affordable Care Act.
  • CornTalk FM: Congress is expected to pass a continuing resolution to fund Tom Vilsack’s long-running agriculture-themed morning radio show for another 8 months.
  • Gun Control, Climate Change, Mass Incarceration, Crumbling Infrastructure, Endemic Segregation: Continue ignoring these.
  • 3D-Printed Plastic Guns: Not a pressing issue because, come on, they're made of plastic. Essentially, these are just toys we're talking about, right?
  • Conservation Efforts For The Lark Sparrow: As has been the case for the past 6 years, tireless legislators on both sides of the aisle are determined to save the endangered passerine bird from extinction.
  • Midterm Elections: Mere months away, although at a time when so many significant domestic and international issues need to be addressed, politics is the last thing that Congress is thinking about right now.

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