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Congress’ Agenda For 2014

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Congress’ Agenda For 2014

The 113th United States Congress returns to Capitol Hill this week. Here are some of the key issues that will define their upcoming session:

  • Debt Ceiling: Christ, again with this shit.
  • Americans With Disabilities Act: In an effort to reconnect with old fans, Congress is hoping to pass this 1990 favorite once more.
  • Obamacare: Time is of the essence as the start of 2014 leaves Congress with just 5,437 more attempts to repeal the Affordable Care Act.
  • CornTalk FM: Congress is expected to pass a continuing resolution to fund Tom Vilsack’s long-running agriculture-themed morning radio show for another 8 months.
  • Gun Control, Climate Change, Mass Incarceration, Crumbling Infrastructure, Endemic Segregation: Continue ignoring these.
  • 3D-Printed Plastic Guns: Not a pressing issue because, come on, they're made of plastic. Essentially, these are just toys we're talking about, right?
  • Conservation Efforts For The Lark Sparrow: As has been the case for the past 6 years, tireless legislators on both sides of the aisle are determined to save the endangered passerine bird from extinction.
  • Midterm Elections: Mere months away, although at a time when so many significant domestic and international issues need to be addressed, politics is the last thing that Congress is thinking about right now.

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