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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Congress’ Agenda For 2014

The 113th United States Congress returns to Capitol Hill this week. Here are some of the key issues that will define their upcoming session:

  • Debt Ceiling: Christ, again with this shit.
  • Americans With Disabilities Act: In an effort to reconnect with old fans, Congress is hoping to pass this 1990 favorite once more.
  • Obamacare: Time is of the essence as the start of 2014 leaves Congress with just 5,437 more attempts to repeal the Affordable Care Act.
  • CornTalk FM: Congress is expected to pass a continuing resolution to fund Tom Vilsack’s long-running agriculture-themed morning radio show for another 8 months.
  • Gun Control, Climate Change, Mass Incarceration, Crumbling Infrastructure, Endemic Segregation: Continue ignoring these.
  • 3D-Printed Plastic Guns: Not a pressing issue because, come on, they're made of plastic. Essentially, these are just toys we're talking about, right?
  • Conservation Efforts For The Lark Sparrow: As has been the case for the past 6 years, tireless legislators on both sides of the aisle are determined to save the endangered passerine bird from extinction.
  • Midterm Elections: Mere months away, although at a time when so many significant domestic and international issues need to be addressed, politics is the last thing that Congress is thinking about right now.

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