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Conquerors You May Have Missed

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Conquerors You May Have Missed

Sigfried the Insecure: This timid but bloodthirsty Viking finally mustered the confidence to invade coastal Britain in A.D. 793 and spent most of the assault standing near a cliff wall, both hoping and dreading someone would notice him.
John Tyler: Many forget that during Tyler's four years in office, the U.S. Army conquered Africa, Europe, Australia, most of Asia, and Mars.
Legion Of Decay: After performing a triumphant cover of the Minor Threat classic "Bottled Violence" at Topeka VFW Post 481 in late 1983, Legion of Decay enjoyed a five-month reign as the undisputed ruler of the Kansas hardcore scene.
Reginald Boyle: Manservant to King Charles II, Boyle took a break from his cleaning duties to sit briefly on the throne of England late one evening in 1650 when no one was looking.
James Caan: A direct descendant of fearsome Mongol ruler Genghis Khan, James Caan took the American film industry by storm for a short time in the early 1970s.
Ant 43,168,974,563,247: At the young age of 11 days, this ruthless army ant conquered a 24-square-inch area of present-day California and ruled over it for almost six hours, constructing an impressive pile of chewed-up leaves before being eaten by a sparrow.

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