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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Conquerors You May Have Missed

Sigfried the Insecure: This timid but bloodthirsty Viking finally mustered the confidence to invade coastal Britain in A.D. 793 and spent most of the assault standing near a cliff wall, both hoping and dreading someone would notice him.
John Tyler: Many forget that during Tyler's four years in office, the U.S. Army conquered Africa, Europe, Australia, most of Asia, and Mars.
Legion Of Decay: After performing a triumphant cover of the Minor Threat classic "Bottled Violence" at Topeka VFW Post 481 in late 1983, Legion of Decay enjoyed a five-month reign as the undisputed ruler of the Kansas hardcore scene.
Reginald Boyle: Manservant to King Charles II, Boyle took a break from his cleaning duties to sit briefly on the throne of England late one evening in 1650 when no one was looking.
James Caan: A direct descendant of fearsome Mongol ruler Genghis Khan, James Caan took the American film industry by storm for a short time in the early 1970s.
Ant 43,168,974,563,247: At the young age of 11 days, this ruthless army ant conquered a 24-square-inch area of present-day California and ruled over it for almost six hours, constructing an impressive pile of chewed-up leaves before being eaten by a sparrow.

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