Following an exhaustive six-year analysis of numerous inanimate beings, scientists at Oxford University announced Thursday they have conclusively proven that statues are our species’ nearest nonliving relatives.
|Sigfried the Insecure: This timid but bloodthirsty Viking finally mustered the confidence to invade coastal Britain in A.D. 793 and spent most of the assault standing near a cliff wall, both hoping and dreading someone would notice him.|
|John Tyler: Many forget that during Tyler's four years in office, the U.S. Army conquered Africa, Europe, Australia, most of Asia, and Mars.|
|Legion Of Decay: After performing a triumphant cover of the Minor Threat classic "Bottled Violence" at Topeka VFW Post 481 in late 1983, Legion of Decay enjoyed a five-month reign as the undisputed ruler of the Kansas hardcore scene.|
|Reginald Boyle: Manservant to King Charles II, Boyle took a break from his cleaning duties to sit briefly on the throne of England late one evening in 1650 when no one was looking.|
|James Caan: A direct descendant of fearsome Mongol ruler Genghis Khan, James Caan took the American film industry by storm for a short time in the early 1970s.|
|Ant 43,168,974,563,247: At the young age of 11 days, this ruthless army ant conquered a 24-square-inch area of present-day California and ruled over it for almost six hours, constructing an impressive pile of chewed-up leaves before being eaten by a sparrow.|