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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Conservative Pundits Against McCain

Conservative pundits Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter have spoken out against Republican presidential candidate John McCain, with Coulter even promising to campaign for Clinton if McCain is the Republican nominee. Here are some of the reasons:

Fears McCain will take away America's God-given right to torture a Muslim

Too Arizona-y

Was once a prisoner of war of a foreign enemy, a shameful stigma shared only by presidents Washington and Jackson

McCain and Coulter have both dated same girl from Tucson

McCain strongly, but not vehemently, supports the war

Has been spotted conversing with Democrats

Book sales, speaking fees, TV talk shows

McCain is soft on hate

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