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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Controversy Over ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ Sequel

A group of Hollywood producers announced they are working on a sequel to the classic 1946 Christmas film It’s A Wonderful Life, although Paramount Pictures, which owns the rights to the original film, has said it will fight to keep It’s A Wonderful Life: The Rest Of The Story from being made. Here are the plot points of the sequel that have stirred controversy:

  • Begins with 30-second recap of what happened previously on It’s A Wonderful Life
  • Opening scene features 15-minute statement from producers explaining exactly why they felt they needed to do this
  • Set in a post-9/11 climate of Christmas and fear
  • Returning theme of how important friends are and how you should only commit suicide if you have none
  • Takes place in Fort Lauderdale during spring break
  • Utilizes 3D camera technology to make church bells come right at viewer
  • Titular line delivered sarcastically
  • 45 minutes of medical footage detailing George Bailey’s ear surgery
  • In every scene, the ghost of Jimmy Stewart shakes his head disapprovingly
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