Cooking For Large Groups

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Cooking For Large Groups

As the warmer weather approaches, many people will open their houses to larger dinner parties. Here are some ways to take the sting out of cooking for a large group of people:

  • Nobody likes to be left out, so before you entertain outdoors, make sure to contact all your neighbors and tell them a big flood’s coming and the neighborhood is being evacuated
  • Hail a passing taco truck
  • Salads are a quick and easy dish if you don't give a shit about your guests
  • Put out a tub of wine and a shitload of straws
  • Take time to imagine having sex with everyone at your party: When guests arrive, have sex with them for real, and afterward, enjoy a silent dinner
  • Because of their religious beliefs, some guests may not eat certain foods; be sure to call them beforehand and remind them God does not exist
  • Most pies are apple
  • Only let the first five guests who show up eat
  • Make the food taste real good; people like that
  • Why not try crumbling a few bowel-suppressant caplets into the meal so that those monsters don't clog up your toiletthis time?
  • Choose one color of food and stick with it