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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Covering The Royal Wedding

The media is going to great lengths to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton this Friday, with CNN alone dedicating 125 reporters to the event. Here are some of the extremes media outlets are undertaking:

  • National Geographic: Placing two teams of cameramen in blinds outside Westminster Abbey for three months, waiting to get that perfect shot of the nesting pair
  • New York Post: Shoe mirrors to see who Middleton is wearing, panty-wise
  • The Sun: Having an anonymous source plant an alien inside the reception, hiring a translator to find out what it experienced
  • 60 Minutes: Sending a blond-bewigged Morley Safer through security as Camilla Parker Bowles
  • BBC: Using its TARDIS to materialize inside the security perimeter
  • Dateline NBC: Erecting a decoy abbey right next to Westminster and ambush-interviewing whichever guests mistakenly walk in
  • Agence-France Presse: Sending a correspondent to Calais with a telescope to confirm that the boorish English and their cloud-condemned island are still there
  • Cat Fancy: Four-part series on the growing irrelevance of the British royalty and its long-term effect on the working class
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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