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Covering The Royal Wedding

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Covering The Royal Wedding

The media is going to great lengths to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton this Friday, with CNN alone dedicating 125 reporters to the event. Here are some of the extremes media outlets are undertaking:

  • National Geographic: Placing two teams of cameramen in blinds outside Westminster Abbey for three months, waiting to get that perfect shot of the nesting pair
  • New York Post: Shoe mirrors to see who Middleton is wearing, panty-wise
  • The Sun: Having an anonymous source plant an alien inside the reception, hiring a translator to find out what it experienced
  • 60 Minutes: Sending a blond-bewigged Morley Safer through security as Camilla Parker Bowles
  • BBC: Using its TARDIS to materialize inside the security perimeter
  • Dateline NBC: Erecting a decoy abbey right next to Westminster and ambush-interviewing whichever guests mistakenly walk in
  • Agence-France Presse: Sending a correspondent to Calais with a telescope to confirm that the boorish English and their cloud-condemned island are still there
  • Cat Fancy: Four-part series on the growing irrelevance of the British royalty and its long-term effect on the working class

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