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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Crowd-Related Disasters

Merely watching a sporting event can be dangerous, as we were reminded when 40 people were burned by malfunctioning fireworks at last week's Wrestlemania. Onion Sports recounts other past instances of spectator endangerment:

1942: After being booed, Ted Williams picks off the Fenway Park crowd one by one with a series of extremely well-aimed foul balls

1955: Pierre Levegh kills 7,746 spectators at the 24 Hours Of Le Mans endurance race in Le Mans, France, when he insists on taking a shortcut through the grandstands on every lap

1975: In what many call humanity at its worst, and what some demented freaks refer to as "The Thrilla In Manilla," 28,000 people simply stand around doing nothing while two men beat the living hell out of one another

1984: Helpless fans were trapped for eight hours and 26 minutes watching a 25-inning game between the Chicago White Sox and Milwaukee Brewers

1990: A 99 mph Wayne Gretzky slap shot goes right through the heads of 18 unlucky fans

1992: Phillies reliever Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams injures 15 fans by signing baseballs and tossing them back into the stands

1993: 29 people are killed and 13 severely injured in Atlanta's Fulton County Stadium when Braves third baseman Terry Pendleton dives into the stands for a fly ball

1995: A fan dies when Cleveland slugger Albert Belle's bat accidentally goes flying into the stands and Belle murders the man who refuses to return it to him

2000: Nearly 60,000 people are killed in Three Rivers Stadium when Pittsburgh officials forget to inform fans and football players that the stadium is going to be demolished with explosives Sunday at noon

2004: A fan is seriously injured when Braves pitcher Mike Hampton's ulnar-collateral ligament snaps and whips into the stands at 90 mph

1985-2005: Professional boxing career of Mike Tyson claims lives of more than 25 men and women

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