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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Crowd-Related Disasters

Merely watching a sporting event can be dangerous, as we were reminded when 40 people were burned by malfunctioning fireworks at last week's Wrestlemania. Onion Sports recounts other past instances of spectator endangerment:

1942: After being booed, Ted Williams picks off the Fenway Park crowd one by one with a series of extremely well-aimed foul balls

1955: Pierre Levegh kills 7,746 spectators at the 24 Hours Of Le Mans endurance race in Le Mans, France, when he insists on taking a shortcut through the grandstands on every lap

1975: In what many call humanity at its worst, and what some demented freaks refer to as "The Thrilla In Manilla," 28,000 people simply stand around doing nothing while two men beat the living hell out of one another

1984: Helpless fans were trapped for eight hours and 26 minutes watching a 25-inning game between the Chicago White Sox and Milwaukee Brewers

1990: A 99 mph Wayne Gretzky slap shot goes right through the heads of 18 unlucky fans

1992: Phillies reliever Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams injures 15 fans by signing baseballs and tossing them back into the stands

1993: 29 people are killed and 13 severely injured in Atlanta's Fulton County Stadium when Braves third baseman Terry Pendleton dives into the stands for a fly ball

1995: A fan dies when Cleveland slugger Albert Belle's bat accidentally goes flying into the stands and Belle murders the man who refuses to return it to him

2000: Nearly 60,000 people are killed in Three Rivers Stadium when Pittsburgh officials forget to inform fans and football players that the stadium is going to be demolished with explosives Sunday at noon

2004: A fan is seriously injured when Braves pitcher Mike Hampton's ulnar-collateral ligament snaps and whips into the stands at 90 mph

1985-2005: Professional boxing career of Mike Tyson claims lives of more than 25 men and women

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