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Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Crowd-Related Disasters

Merely watching a sporting event can be dangerous, as we were reminded when 40 people were burned by malfunctioning fireworks at last week's Wrestlemania. Onion Sports recounts other past instances of spectator endangerment:

1942: After being booed, Ted Williams picks off the Fenway Park crowd one by one with a series of extremely well-aimed foul balls

1955: Pierre Levegh kills 7,746 spectators at the 24 Hours Of Le Mans endurance race in Le Mans, France, when he insists on taking a shortcut through the grandstands on every lap

1975: In what many call humanity at its worst, and what some demented freaks refer to as "The Thrilla In Manilla," 28,000 people simply stand around doing nothing while two men beat the living hell out of one another

1984: Helpless fans were trapped for eight hours and 26 minutes watching a 25-inning game between the Chicago White Sox and Milwaukee Brewers

1990: A 99 mph Wayne Gretzky slap shot goes right through the heads of 18 unlucky fans

1992: Phillies reliever Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams injures 15 fans by signing baseballs and tossing them back into the stands

1993: 29 people are killed and 13 severely injured in Atlanta's Fulton County Stadium when Braves third baseman Terry Pendleton dives into the stands for a fly ball

1995: A fan dies when Cleveland slugger Albert Belle's bat accidentally goes flying into the stands and Belle murders the man who refuses to return it to him

2000: Nearly 60,000 people are killed in Three Rivers Stadium when Pittsburgh officials forget to inform fans and football players that the stadium is going to be demolished with explosives Sunday at noon

2004: A fan is seriously injured when Braves pitcher Mike Hampton's ulnar-collateral ligament snaps and whips into the stands at 90 mph

1985-2005: Professional boxing career of Mike Tyson claims lives of more than 25 men and women

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