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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Cruel Summer

According to scientists, flooding and wet weather have led to unusually high mosquito populations this summer, and the accompanying heat wave has resulted in numerous deaths. Here are some of the other difficulties people are facing this summer:

  • It will oftentimes be too hot to leave the comfort of air-conditioning to watch the scantily clad neighbor lady wash her car
  • Getting timing of summer romance end point just right
  • Wildfires and floods inconveniently not happening in the same place and time
  • Heat waves splitting America into distinct classes of Air Conditioner People and Fan People
  • Hot weather increasing chances of accidentally drinking something gross in mad scramble to quench thirst
  • Flooding reveals residents' lack of preparedness to be on TV
  • Raccoons not so cute now that they've shed all hair
  • Surplus of mosquitoes means that one can bite you as much as he wants while a bunch of others hold you down

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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