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Cruel Summer

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Cruel Summer

According to scientists, flooding and wet weather have led to unusually high mosquito populations this summer, and the accompanying heat wave has resulted in numerous deaths. Here are some of the other difficulties people are facing this summer:

  • It will oftentimes be too hot to leave the comfort of air-conditioning to watch the scantily clad neighbor lady wash her car
  • Getting timing of summer romance end point just right
  • Wildfires and floods inconveniently not happening in the same place and time
  • Heat waves splitting America into distinct classes of Air Conditioner People and Fan People
  • Hot weather increasing chances of accidentally drinking something gross in mad scramble to quench thirst
  • Flooding reveals residents' lack of preparedness to be on TV
  • Raccoons not so cute now that they've shed all hair
  • Surplus of mosquitoes means that one can bite you as much as he wants while a bunch of others hold you down

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