adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Defense Bill Features Less Waste

The defense spending bill that President Obama signed last week eliminated several programs deemed wasteful, including a presidential helicopter fleet replacement program that was six years behind schedule and more than $5 billion over budget. Here are some of the other programs that were cut:

  • $5 billion—Trojan yak containing thousands of American soldiers to be sent into Taliban strongholds in Afghanistan
  • $4 billion—Electric planes that run on two-mile extension cords
  • $12—Headphones on Air Force One
  • $7 billion—Genetically engineered grenade orchard
  • $1.7 million—Free tampons for lady soldiers
  • $245 million—Project to turn Major Dad into a full-length feature film
  • $3.8 million—Torture rooms "just to study the effects of torture and nothing else"
  • $45 million—Pizza-patterned fatigues
  • $28 billion—U.S. Coast Guard

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close