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Defense Bill Features Less Waste

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.
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Defense Bill Features Less Waste

The defense spending bill that President Obama signed last week eliminated several programs deemed wasteful, including a presidential helicopter fleet replacement program that was six years behind schedule and more than $5 billion over budget. Here are some of the other programs that were cut:

  • $5 billion—Trojan yak containing thousands of American soldiers to be sent into Taliban strongholds in Afghanistan
  • $4 billion—Electric planes that run on two-mile extension cords
  • $12—Headphones on Air Force One
  • $7 billion—Genetically engineered grenade orchard
  • $1.7 million—Free tampons for lady soldiers
  • $245 million—Project to turn Major Dad into a full-length feature film
  • $3.8 million—Torture rooms "just to study the effects of torture and nothing else"
  • $45 million—Pizza-patterned fatigues
  • $28 billion—U.S. Coast Guard

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