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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Defense Bill Features Less Waste

The defense spending bill that President Obama signed last week eliminated several programs deemed wasteful, including a presidential helicopter fleet replacement program that was six years behind schedule and more than $5 billion over budget. Here are some of the other programs that were cut:

  • $5 billion—Trojan yak containing thousands of American soldiers to be sent into Taliban strongholds in Afghanistan
  • $4 billion—Electric planes that run on two-mile extension cords
  • $12—Headphones on Air Force One
  • $7 billion—Genetically engineered grenade orchard
  • $1.7 million—Free tampons for lady soldiers
  • $245 million—Project to turn Major Dad into a full-length feature film
  • $3.8 million—Torture rooms "just to study the effects of torture and nothing else"
  • $45 million—Pizza-patterned fatigues
  • $28 billion—U.S. Coast Guard

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