Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
WASHINGTON—While thinking about this November’s election and remembering that only a few months remain in Barack Obama’s presidency, Americans throughout the country are said to have suddenly come to the realization Tuesday that they, in fact, never had to worry about John McCain dying over the past eight years had he become president in 2008.
WASHINGTON—Encouraging the group of visitors that he was showing around the Roosevelt Room to “fucking hightail it,” vice president Joe Biden was reportedly stopped by “killjoy” Secret Service members Tuesday who moved quickly to shut down his unofficial White House tour.
ARIES: Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.
RIDGEWOOD, NJ—Corroborating evidence gleaned from several purported sightings of the couple, lunchroom sources reported Tuesday that the boyfriend of high school junior Annie Sabatino is like 23 or something.
PARADISE, NV—In an effort to ensure the most relevant topics are addressed during the third and final presidential debate, organizers revealed Tuesday that the first 15 minutes of the event would be set aside to focus on whatever major Donald Trump revelation comes out between now and then
KANSAS CITY, MO—Providing a brief warning before the footage began playing, several lines of text that preceded a three-minute video clip from a police officer’s body camera reportedly informed viewers Monday they were about to see pretty much exactly what they’d expect.
WASHINGTON—Reminding party officials she wasn’t sticking around past November 8 and that they could all “kiss [her] ass” after that, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly informed the Democratic National Committee today that they would be completely on their own once the election was over.
SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
NEW YORK—Assuring the nation he would work quickly and tirelessly to carry out his agenda, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly issued a press statement Monday mapping out his first 100 days of not conceding the 2016 election.
DULUTH, MN—Excitedly believing the chunk of strawberry marked the beginning of a new, more nutritious diet, the body of area woman Jenny Cook was reportedly given a sense of false hope Friday after the 27-year-old consumed a piece of fruit for the first time in nine days.
LOS ANGELES—Praising the expansive slate of high-quality fantasies, comedies, and period dramas currently in production while negligently overlooking a gaping hole in the entertainment landscape, cable and network executives reportedly continued to claim this week that we are living in a golden age of television despite having never made a show about robotic wizards.
As the Chicago Cubs enter the NLCS seeking their first World Series title since 1908, Onion Sports examines the most notable championship droughts in history.
GARDINER, MT—Fending off the large wildcat moments before it could harm her best friend, presidential pet Sunny reportedly saved fellow first dog Bo from a mountain lion attack last month as they journeyed across the country to find their way back to the Obama family.
