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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Details Of Paterno Family's Internal Report

Joe Paterno’s family has launched a private investigation into the Louis Freeh report that found the late Penn State football coach helped conceal Jerry Sandusky’s sexual abuse of children. Onion Sports looks at what the probe discovered.

  • Paterno raised millions of dollars for Penn State, very little of which was used to protect of a serial sexual predator who abused boys on campus for decades
  • Because of his age, Paterno didn't understand technologies such as e-mail and showers
  • Highlights the strict moral code Paterno demanded of his players, like keeping their mouths shut and not asking any damn questions
  • Penn State under Paterno produced more national champions than any other school, and was better at academics than Harvard and Princeton combined
  • Paterno actually died in 1993
  • Although far too incompetent to make any administrative decisions, Paterno still did enough to earn his $1 million salary
  • Despite more than 400 interviews, the Freeh group never spoke with that one drunk guy in the Penn State sweatshirt at the end of the bar screaming at SportsCenter
  • Paterno never hired a single other coaching assistant who raped children

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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