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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Details Of Paterno Family's Internal Report

Joe Paterno’s family has launched a private investigation into the Louis Freeh report that found the late Penn State football coach helped conceal Jerry Sandusky’s sexual abuse of children. Onion Sports looks at what the probe discovered.

  • Paterno raised millions of dollars for Penn State, very little of which was used to protect of a serial sexual predator who abused boys on campus for decades
  • Because of his age, Paterno didn't understand technologies such as e-mail and showers
  • Highlights the strict moral code Paterno demanded of his players, like keeping their mouths shut and not asking any damn questions
  • Penn State under Paterno produced more national champions than any other school, and was better at academics than Harvard and Princeton combined
  • Paterno actually died in 1993
  • Although far too incompetent to make any administrative decisions, Paterno still did enough to earn his $1 million salary
  • Despite more than 400 interviews, the Freeh group never spoke with that one drunk guy in the Penn State sweatshirt at the end of the bar screaming at SportsCenter
  • Paterno never hired a single other coaching assistant who raped children

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