adBlockCheck

Sports

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Details Of Paterno Family's Internal Report

Joe Paterno’s family has launched a private investigation into the Louis Freeh report that found the late Penn State football coach helped conceal Jerry Sandusky’s sexual abuse of children. Onion Sports looks at what the probe discovered.

  • Paterno raised millions of dollars for Penn State, very little of which was used to protect of a serial sexual predator who abused boys on campus for decades
  • Because of his age, Paterno didn't understand technologies such as e-mail and showers
  • Highlights the strict moral code Paterno demanded of his players, like keeping their mouths shut and not asking any damn questions
  • Penn State under Paterno produced more national champions than any other school, and was better at academics than Harvard and Princeton combined
  • Paterno actually died in 1993
  • Although far too incompetent to make any administrative decisions, Paterno still did enough to earn his $1 million salary
  • Despite more than 400 interviews, the Freeh group never spoke with that one drunk guy in the Penn State sweatshirt at the end of the bar screaming at SportsCenter
  • Paterno never hired a single other coaching assistant who raped children

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close