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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Details Of Paterno Family's Internal Report

Joe Paterno’s family has launched a private investigation into the Louis Freeh report that found the late Penn State football coach helped conceal Jerry Sandusky’s sexual abuse of children. Onion Sports looks at what the probe discovered.

  • Paterno raised millions of dollars for Penn State, very little of which was used to protect of a serial sexual predator who abused boys on campus for decades
  • Because of his age, Paterno didn't understand technologies such as e-mail and showers
  • Highlights the strict moral code Paterno demanded of his players, like keeping their mouths shut and not asking any damn questions
  • Penn State under Paterno produced more national champions than any other school, and was better at academics than Harvard and Princeton combined
  • Paterno actually died in 1993
  • Although far too incompetent to make any administrative decisions, Paterno still did enough to earn his $1 million salary
  • Despite more than 400 interviews, the Freeh group never spoke with that one drunk guy in the Penn State sweatshirt at the end of the bar screaming at SportsCenter
  • Paterno never hired a single other coaching assistant who raped children

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