After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Detecting Children's Drug Use

A recent study suggests that parents are often unaware of their children's drug use. Here are some warning signs parents should look out for:

Higher incidences of sass-mouth

Child begins using slang such as "groovy," "hepcat," and "23 skidoo"

Happiness, creativity

Becomes very jittery when watching Mad Money With Jim Cramer

Displays glazed eyes and sullen mood whenever parents initiate long discussions about the problems with drugs

Tracks used needles all over the house

Son is type of kid who wears shorts in dead of winter

Child no longer shows interest in taking the Ritalin, Paxil, and Adderall you already have him on

After Birth

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