After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
End Of Section
  • More News

Detecting Children's Drug Use

A recent study suggests that parents are often unaware of their children's drug use. Here are some warning signs parents should look out for:

Higher incidences of sass-mouth

Child begins using slang such as "groovy," "hepcat," and "23 skidoo"

Happiness, creativity

Becomes very jittery when watching Mad Money With Jim Cramer

Displays glazed eyes and sullen mood whenever parents initiate long discussions about the problems with drugs

Tracks used needles all over the house

Son is type of kid who wears shorts in dead of winter

Child no longer shows interest in taking the Ritalin, Paxil, and Adderall you already have him on

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.