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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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DHS Teams Up With Wal-Mart

Last month, the Department of Homeland Security announced it was working with retailer Wal-Mart to help protect American towns. What policies is Wal-Mart instituting to make our communities safer?

  • In the bicycle section, sign must be hung that says, "Not to be used as getaway bicycle"
  • In addition to saying hello, greeters will ask if customers have recently had contact with citizens of Syria, Yemen, Iran, or Pakistan
  • Wal-Mart will become the sole retailer of Department of Homeland Security cosmetics
  • All tall, bearded Arabs seeking to fill insulin prescriptions must first fill out a questionnaire
  • Continuing to refuse to sell incendiary material such as Sheryl Crow's self-titled album, Green Day's 21st Century Breakdown, and George Carlin's book When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
  • Hiding millimeter wave scanners right in front of high-traffic Tasmanian Devil T-shirt racks
  • Maintaining database of all customers who purchase spices cumin and turmeric
  • Making everyday prices even lower to drive the terrorists that much crazier!

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