DHS Teams Up With Wal-Mart

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Vol 47 Issue 01

Modern-Day Cowboy Rides 18-Wheeler Full Of Entenmann's Products Westward

SOLOMON, KS—Awakening to the lonely howl of a distant coyote early Tuesday morning, C.J. Hoppel climbs into his 18-wheeler and sets off westward across a barren stretch of unbroken prairie, the whipping wind his only companion as he pulls a rig full of Entenmann's baked goods and snack cakes across the plains.

Robert Gibbs Stepping Down

While House press secretary Robert Gibbs announced he would be leaving his position as White House press secretary to work as a political adviser.
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DHS Teams Up With Wal-Mart

Last month, the Department of Homeland Security announced it was working with retailer Wal-Mart to help protect American towns. What policies is Wal-Mart instituting to make our communities safer?

  • In the bicycle section, sign must be hung that says, "Not to be used as getaway bicycle"
  • In addition to saying hello, greeters will ask if customers have recently had contact with citizens of Syria, Yemen, Iran, or Pakistan
  • Wal-Mart will become the sole retailer of Department of Homeland Security cosmetics
  • All tall, bearded Arabs seeking to fill insulin prescriptions must first fill out a questionnaire
  • Continuing to refuse to sell incendiary material such as Sheryl Crow's self-titled album, Green Day's 21st Century Breakdown, and George Carlin's book When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
  • Hiding millimeter wave scanners right in front of high-traffic Tasmanian Devil T-shirt racks
  • Maintaining database of all customers who purchase spices cumin and turmeric
  • Making everyday prices even lower to drive the terrorists that much crazier!
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