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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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DHS Teams Up With Wal-Mart

Last month, the Department of Homeland Security announced it was working with retailer Wal-Mart to help protect American towns. What policies is Wal-Mart instituting to make our communities safer?

  • In the bicycle section, sign must be hung that says, "Not to be used as getaway bicycle"
  • In addition to saying hello, greeters will ask if customers have recently had contact with citizens of Syria, Yemen, Iran, or Pakistan
  • Wal-Mart will become the sole retailer of Department of Homeland Security cosmetics
  • All tall, bearded Arabs seeking to fill insulin prescriptions must first fill out a questionnaire
  • Continuing to refuse to sell incendiary material such as Sheryl Crow's self-titled album, Green Day's 21st Century Breakdown, and George Carlin's book When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
  • Hiding millimeter wave scanners right in front of high-traffic Tasmanian Devil T-shirt racks
  • Maintaining database of all customers who purchase spices cumin and turmeric
  • Making everyday prices even lower to drive the terrorists that much crazier!

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