Disney Announces 'Star Wars 7'

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Anorexic Woman At Gym Looking Good

CHICAGO—Citing her shapeless physique, protruding skeleton, and jaundiced complexion, gym members exercising at a local Equinox Fitness Club on Friday confirmed that the anorexic woman working out on the first floor is looking good. “Oh, man, ...
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Disney Announces 'Star Wars 7'

Upon acquiring Lucasfilm Ltd. last week, the Walt Disney Co. announced it was making a seventh episode of the Star Wars franchise for release in 2015. Here is what viewers can expect in the Disney-produced sequel:

  • Phil Collins to sing opening crawl
  • French kisses between siblings to be cut by one-third or more
  • Ewok babies; also, Yoda babies, Wookiee babies, and droid babies
  • Sassy fairy droid that you feel bad for being attracted to
  • A senile, gray-furred Chewbacca
  • A wizard casts a spell that turns R2-D2 into a real boy
  • Randy Newman–penned theme song called “Long, Long Ago We Were Friends”
  • There’s no delicate way to say this so here it is: lots of hot 12-year-olds
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