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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Disney Announces 'Star Wars 7'

Upon acquiring Lucasfilm Ltd. last week, the Walt Disney Co. announced it was making a seventh episode of the Star Wars franchise for release in 2015. Here is what viewers can expect in the Disney-produced sequel:

  • Phil Collins to sing opening crawl
  • French kisses between siblings to be cut by one-third or more
  • Ewok babies; also, Yoda babies, Wookiee babies, and droid babies
  • Sassy fairy droid that you feel bad for being attracted to
  • A senile, gray-furred Chewbacca
  • A wizard casts a spell that turns R2-D2 into a real boy
  • Randy Newman–penned theme song called “Long, Long Ago We Were Friends”
  • There’s no delicate way to say this so here it is: lots of hot 12-year-olds

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