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Disney Announces 'Star Wars 7'

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Disney Announces 'Star Wars 7'

Upon acquiring Lucasfilm Ltd. last week, the Walt Disney Co. announced it was making a seventh episode of the Star Wars franchise for release in 2015. Here is what viewers can expect in the Disney-produced sequel:

  • Phil Collins to sing opening crawl
  • French kisses between siblings to be cut by one-third or more
  • Ewok babies; also, Yoda babies, Wookiee babies, and droid babies
  • Sassy fairy droid that you feel bad for being attracted to
  • A senile, gray-furred Chewbacca
  • A wizard casts a spell that turns R2-D2 into a real boy
  • Randy Newman–penned theme song called “Long, Long Ago We Were Friends”
  • There’s no delicate way to say this so here it is: lots of hot 12-year-olds

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