Disney Employee Arrested In Insider-Trading Scandal

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Vol 46 Issue 22

Carlos Zambrano's Refusal To Leave Game Enters 5th Hour

PITTSBURGH—At press time, Cubs manager Lou Piniella's attempt to remove starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano from tonight's game against the Pittsburgh Pirates had entered its fifth hour, with Zambrano refusing to be replaced by left-handed relief pitch...

Rajon Rondo

The Celtics point guard has been the surprise of the playoffs, eclipsing even his three superstar teammates. Is he any good?
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Disney Employee Arrested In Insider-Trading Scandal

The secretary for Disney's head of corporate communications was arrested for attempting to sell business secrets—including a rumored sale of ABC—for the purposes of insider trading.

Here are some of the other secrets she was trying to sell:

  • Babies born in Disneyland stay in Disneyland
  • Pixar movies are now self-aware and have been animating themselves since Ratatouille
  • The Lion King on Broadway will be two-for-one in the spring of 2012!!!
  • Disney employs hundreds of thousands of undocumented enchanted broom workers
  • Recent market research shows awareness of Chip 'n' Dale highest among meth users
  • Tips for landing even the most elusive character autographs
  • Company covered up 1955 fairy-dust explosion that killed nine chemical imagineers
  • Location of Main Street, USA's secret glory hole
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