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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Disney Employee Arrested In Insider-Trading Scandal

The secretary for Disney's head of corporate communications was arrested for attempting to sell business secrets—including a rumored sale of ABC—for the purposes of insider trading.

Here are some of the other secrets she was trying to sell:

  • Babies born in Disneyland stay in Disneyland
  • Pixar movies are now self-aware and have been animating themselves since Ratatouille
  • The Lion King on Broadway will be two-for-one in the spring of 2012!!!
  • Disney employs hundreds of thousands of undocumented enchanted broom workers
  • Recent market research shows awareness of Chip 'n' Dale highest among meth users
  • Tips for landing even the most elusive character autographs
  • Company covered up 1955 fairy-dust explosion that killed nine chemical imagineers
  • Location of Main Street, USA's secret glory hole
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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