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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Donaghy's Warning Signs

Many NBA fans suspected that something was wrong with NBA officiating long before the Donaghy scandal broke. Official review of the games he worked reveals the following suspicious behavior on Donaghy's part:

Presided over first shutout in NBA history

Called a three-second violation on Shaquille O'Neal while O'Neal was out for three weeks with a hamstring injury

Once counted all the points scored by Suns gorilla mascot during halftime show toward game total in order to bring score within 11 points

Told friends that his favorite movie would be Forget Paris if Billy Crystal's NBA referee character was secretly working for the Mafia

Was reportedly seen sprinting off the court in an attempt to escape a "fan" who had been giving him the throat-slashing signal the entire game

Would sometimes tell players that, if they missed free throws, "they'll kill me and my children"

Usually seemed distracted while refereeing, as if performing complex mathematical calculations in his head

During crucial playoff games, Donaghy was regularly seen kneeling in front of scorer's table with his eyes closed and fingers crossed, chanting "Please please please please"

Joined the on-court celebration when the Spurs won the Finals

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