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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Donaghy's Warning Signs

Many NBA fans suspected that something was wrong with NBA officiating long before the Donaghy scandal broke. Official review of the games he worked reveals the following suspicious behavior on Donaghy's part:

Presided over first shutout in NBA history

Called a three-second violation on Shaquille O'Neal while O'Neal was out for three weeks with a hamstring injury

Once counted all the points scored by Suns gorilla mascot during halftime show toward game total in order to bring score within 11 points

Told friends that his favorite movie would be Forget Paris if Billy Crystal's NBA referee character was secretly working for the Mafia

Was reportedly seen sprinting off the court in an attempt to escape a "fan" who had been giving him the throat-slashing signal the entire game

Would sometimes tell players that, if they missed free throws, "they'll kill me and my children"

Usually seemed distracted while refereeing, as if performing complex mathematical calculations in his head

During crucial playoff games, Donaghy was regularly seen kneeling in front of scorer's table with his eyes closed and fingers crossed, chanting "Please please please please"

Joined the on-court celebration when the Spurs won the Finals

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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