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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Dorm Room Essentials

With college right around the corner for millions of incoming freshmen, students across the country are shopping for sheets, towels, shower sandals, decorations, and other essential items to prepare for college life and make their dorm rooms feel like home. Here is a list of dorm room supplies every student should have:

  • A dozen 20-pound bags of dorm food
  • Mini-fridge for storing mildew
  • A convincing backstory
  • Large Homer Simpson beer mug full of dusty pennies
  • Backup fork in case main fork is dirty or lost
  • Fatally low alcohol tolerance
  • Frying pan to bang on wall in order to discreetly cover up sounds of masturbation
  • Life-size cardboard cutout of parents
  • Hot plate to establish rebel status, dominance over RA
  • Poster of Bob Marley watching A Clockwork Orange with Audrey Hepburn
  • A startup internet company you can sell for billions
  • Bunch of things your mom will insist are essential that will spend the next four years unopened in a storage container
  • Misplaced optimism

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