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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Dorm Room Essentials

With college right around the corner for millions of incoming freshmen, students across the country are shopping for sheets, towels, shower sandals, decorations, and other essential items to prepare for college life and make their dorm rooms feel like home. Here is a list of dorm room supplies every student should have:

  • A dozen 20-pound bags of dorm food
  • Mini-fridge for storing mildew
  • A convincing backstory
  • Large Homer Simpson beer mug full of dusty pennies
  • Backup fork in case main fork is dirty or lost
  • Fatally low alcohol tolerance
  • Frying pan to bang on wall in order to discreetly cover up sounds of masturbation
  • Life-size cardboard cutout of parents
  • Hot plate to establish rebel status, dominance over RA
  • Poster of Bob Marley watching A Clockwork Orange with Audrey Hepburn
  • A startup internet company you can sell for billions
  • Bunch of things your mom will insist are essential that will spend the next four years unopened in a storage container
  • Misplaced optimism
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