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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Dorm Room Essentials

With college right around the corner for millions of incoming freshmen, students across the country are shopping for sheets, towels, shower sandals, decorations, and other essential items to prepare for college life and make their dorm rooms feel like home. Here is a list of dorm room supplies every student should have:

  • A dozen 20-pound bags of dorm food
  • Mini-fridge for storing mildew
  • A convincing backstory
  • Large Homer Simpson beer mug full of dusty pennies
  • Backup fork in case main fork is dirty or lost
  • Fatally low alcohol tolerance
  • Frying pan to bang on wall in order to discreetly cover up sounds of masturbation
  • Life-size cardboard cutout of parents
  • Hot plate to establish rebel status, dominance over RA
  • Poster of Bob Marley watching A Clockwork Orange with Audrey Hepburn
  • A startup internet company you can sell for billions
  • Bunch of things your mom will insist are essential that will spend the next four years unopened in a storage container
  • Misplaced optimism

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