Dorm Room Essentials

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Dorm Room Essentials

With college right around the corner for millions of incoming freshmen, students across the country are shopping for sheets, towels, shower sandals, decorations, and other essential items to prepare for college life and make their dorm rooms feel like home. Here is a list of dorm room supplies every student should have:

  • A dozen 20-pound bags of dorm food
  • Mini-fridge for storing mildew
  • A convincing backstory
  • Large Homer Simpson beer mug full of dusty pennies
  • Backup fork in case main fork is dirty or lost
  • Fatally low alcohol tolerance
  • Frying pan to bang on wall in order to discreetly cover up sounds of masturbation
  • Life-size cardboard cutout of parents
  • Hot plate to establish rebel status, dominance over RA
  • Poster of Bob Marley watching A Clockwork Orange with Audrey Hepburn
  • A startup internet company you can sell for billions
  • Bunch of things your mom will insist are essential that will spend the next four years unopened in a storage container
  • Misplaced optimism
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