adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Drinkable Water For America's Cities

With the scarcity of drinkable water becoming a major issue on the horizon, cities across the United States are trying to find new sources of water or new ways to conserve water. Here are some of those methods:

MALIBU, CA—Purchasing a six-pack of Poland Spring's new 350 million-ounce City Jug™

TEMPE, AZ—Transcontinental straw enables residents to enjoy a refreshing sip of Lake Michigan water

HOUSTON—Residents are encouraged to aim "celebration guns" squarely at clouds

ATLANTA—Passing legislation mandating that people be composed of only 45 percent water

SANTA FE—Requiring a doctor's prescription to buy bottled water

GAINESVILLE, FL—Hot college coeds are encouraged to shower together

LOS ANGELES—This shouldn't have to be said, but please don't leave your faucet running while you go to work

MADISON, WI—Restaurants only required to wash dishes after every fourth use

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close