adBlockCheck

Recent News

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
End Of Section
  • More News

Drinkable Water For America's Cities

With the scarcity of drinkable water becoming a major issue on the horizon, cities across the United States are trying to find new sources of water or new ways to conserve water. Here are some of those methods:

MALIBU, CA—Purchasing a six-pack of Poland Spring's new 350 million-ounce City Jug™

TEMPE, AZ—Transcontinental straw enables residents to enjoy a refreshing sip of Lake Michigan water

HOUSTON—Residents are encouraged to aim "celebration guns" squarely at clouds

ATLANTA—Passing legislation mandating that people be composed of only 45 percent water

SANTA FE—Requiring a doctor's prescription to buy bottled water

GAINESVILLE, FL—Hot college coeds are encouraged to shower together

LOS ANGELES—This shouldn't have to be said, but please don't leave your faucet running while you go to work

MADISON, WI—Restaurants only required to wash dishes after every fourth use

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close