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Drinkable Water For America's Cities

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Drinkable Water For America's Cities

With the scarcity of drinkable water becoming a major issue on the horizon, cities across the United States are trying to find new sources of water or new ways to conserve water. Here are some of those methods:

MALIBU, CA—Purchasing a six-pack of Poland Spring's new 350 million-ounce City Jug™

TEMPE, AZ—Transcontinental straw enables residents to enjoy a refreshing sip of Lake Michigan water

HOUSTON—Residents are encouraged to aim "celebration guns" squarely at clouds

ATLANTA—Passing legislation mandating that people be composed of only 45 percent water

SANTA FE—Requiring a doctor's prescription to buy bottled water

GAINESVILLE, FL—Hot college coeds are encouraged to shower together

LOS ANGELES—This shouldn't have to be said, but please don't leave your faucet running while you go to work

MADISON, WI—Restaurants only required to wash dishes after every fourth use

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