Drought Ravages U.S.

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Drought Ravages U.S.

With the worst drought in half a century devastating the central and southern United States, the Agriculture Department has designated more than half the nation’s counties as disaster areas. Here are some consequences of the historically hot and dry conditions:

  • Google searches for “water” up 1,200 percent
  • Farmers and their families forced to try out different religions until the one true God provides rain
  • Odd-numbered street addresses only allowed to drink water on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; even numbers get Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays
  • Laziest rivers on record at Splashtown USA
  • Usefulness of water finally getting long-overdue recognition
  • Price of corn approaching $400 per cob
  • Missouri forced to suspend its expensive new “Come to Missouri and waste all the water you want” tourism campaign
  • Pretty hot out there