Drought Ravages U.S.

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Drought Ravages U.S.

With the worst drought in half a century devastating the central and southern United States, the Agriculture Department has designated more than half the nation’s counties as disaster areas. Here are some consequences of the historically hot and dry conditions:

  • Google searches for “water” up 1,200 percent
  • Farmers and their families forced to try out different religions until the one true God provides rain
  • Odd-numbered street addresses only allowed to drink water on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; even numbers get Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays
  • Laziest rivers on record at Splashtown USA
  • Usefulness of water finally getting long-overdue recognition
  • Price of corn approaching $400 per cob
  • Missouri forced to suspend its expensive new “Come to Missouri and waste all the water you want” tourism campaign
  • Pretty hot out there


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