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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Drought Ravages U.S.

With the worst drought in half a century devastating the central and southern United States, the Agriculture Department has designated more than half the nation’s counties as disaster areas. Here are some consequences of the historically hot and dry conditions:

  • Google searches for “water” up 1,200 percent
  • Farmers and their families forced to try out different religions until the one true God provides rain
  • Odd-numbered street addresses only allowed to drink water on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; even numbers get Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays
  • Laziest rivers on record at Splashtown USA
  • Usefulness of water finally getting long-overdue recognition
  • Price of corn approaching $400 per cob
  • Missouri forced to suspend its expensive new “Come to Missouri and waste all the water you want” tourism campaign
  • Pretty hot out there
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