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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Drought Ravages U.S.

With the worst drought in half a century devastating the central and southern United States, the Agriculture Department has designated more than half the nation’s counties as disaster areas. Here are some consequences of the historically hot and dry conditions:

  • Google searches for “water” up 1,200 percent
  • Farmers and their families forced to try out different religions until the one true God provides rain
  • Odd-numbered street addresses only allowed to drink water on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; even numbers get Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays
  • Laziest rivers on record at Splashtown USA
  • Usefulness of water finally getting long-overdue recognition
  • Price of corn approaching $400 per cob
  • Missouri forced to suspend its expensive new “Come to Missouri and waste all the water you want” tourism campaign
  • Pretty hot out there

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