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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Early-Season NBA Power Rankings

With the NBA season underway, scouts have made their first team rankings. Exhaustive capsule evaluations follow.

  1. Orlando Magic: With a 3-0 record, the Magic are on pace to go 450-0, presuming that this season lasts until 2015
  2. Boston Celtics: No team looks as dominant as the Celtics. Then again, we haven't watched any games since the Celtics' season opener, so we could be wrong
  3. San Antonio Spurs: Easily in the top five, probably even a championship favorite, though we almost forgot to put them on this list
  4. Golden State Warriors: Yes, they're 0-2, but we've got a good feeling about them
  5. Trail Blazers: Team headed in right direction after making a number of off-season pickups to help Greg Oden, including 10,000 yards of gauze, a defibrillator, and a kidney dialysis machine
  6. Atlanta Hawks: This team was built to go very deep into the regular season
  7. Utah Jazz: With Carlos Boozer's future with the team uncertain and just the future in general being uncertain, who knows if the Jazz will be better or worse than 9th? Who knows if there will even be a Utah Jazz next year? You know? Do you ever think about stuff like that?
  8. Toronto Raptors: Beat the Cavs in their home opener, but that's it—everything's downhill from there. Don't expect this team to live through the season

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