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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Early-Season NBA Power Rankings

With the NBA season underway, scouts have made their first team rankings. Exhaustive capsule evaluations follow.

  1. Orlando Magic: With a 3-0 record, the Magic are on pace to go 450-0, presuming that this season lasts until 2015
  2. Boston Celtics: No team looks as dominant as the Celtics. Then again, we haven't watched any games since the Celtics' season opener, so we could be wrong
  3. San Antonio Spurs: Easily in the top five, probably even a championship favorite, though we almost forgot to put them on this list
  4. Golden State Warriors: Yes, they're 0-2, but we've got a good feeling about them
  5. Trail Blazers: Team headed in right direction after making a number of off-season pickups to help Greg Oden, including 10,000 yards of gauze, a defibrillator, and a kidney dialysis machine
  6. Atlanta Hawks: This team was built to go very deep into the regular season
  7. Utah Jazz: With Carlos Boozer's future with the team uncertain and just the future in general being uncertain, who knows if the Jazz will be better or worse than 9th? Who knows if there will even be a Utah Jazz next year? You know? Do you ever think about stuff like that?
  8. Toronto Raptors: Beat the Cavs in their home opener, but that's it—everything's downhill from there. Don't expect this team to live through the season

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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