Early-Season NBA Power Rankings

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Early-Season NBA Power Rankings

With the NBA season underway, scouts have made their first team rankings. Exhaustive capsule evaluations follow.

  1. Orlando Magic: With a 3-0 record, the Magic are on pace to go 450-0, presuming that this season lasts until 2015
  2. Boston Celtics: No team looks as dominant as the Celtics. Then again, we haven't watched any games since the Celtics' season opener, so we could be wrong
  3. San Antonio Spurs: Easily in the top five, probably even a championship favorite, though we almost forgot to put them on this list
  4. Golden State Warriors: Yes, they're 0-2, but we've got a good feeling about them
  5. Trail Blazers: Team headed in right direction after making a number of off-season pickups to help Greg Oden, including 10,000 yards of gauze, a defibrillator, and a kidney dialysis machine
  6. Atlanta Hawks: This team was built to go very deep into the regular season
  7. Utah Jazz: With Carlos Boozer's future with the team uncertain and just the future in general being uncertain, who knows if the Jazz will be better or worse than 9th? Who knows if there will even be a Utah Jazz next year? You know? Do you ever think about stuff like that?
  8. Toronto Raptors: Beat the Cavs in their home opener, but that's it—everything's downhill from there. Don't expect this team to live through the season


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