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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Earthquake Tests East Coast Preparedness

Emergency management professionals questioned the readiness of Washington, D.C., New York, and other cities after a 5.8-magnitude earthquake hit Virginia. Here are some things you can do to keep safe during a quake:

  • At the first sign of a tremor, shoot the ground to scare the earthquake away

  • Make sure you have an "Earthquake Kit" ready to go containing a flashlight, bottled water, battery-powered radio, Mounds bars, pornography, Vicodin, a Game Boy and games, matches, toilet paper, cat treats if you have a cat, magazines to read, and other stuff

  • In the event of an earthquake, never use an elevator, only use stairs, or a fire pole

  • In case you get trapped under a building and need to be carried out by emergency crews, make sure you're wearing the clothes you'd like to be seen in on CNN

  • When the ground begins shaking, it is absolutely vital that you update your Facebook status or tweet something snarky, as this is now the common way seismologists map earthquakes' range and impact

  • Do not try to catch anything that drops from shelves unless you have a high mantel full of priceless porcelain vases that fall one by one, in which case you should frantically run back and forth beneath them, making increasingly impressive catches until the quake subsides, at which point you can finally emit a relieved sigh right before the last one conks you on the head

  • If you're trapped under rubble, just remain calm. A cadaver-sniffing dog should find you eventually

  • As soon as the shaking subsides, immediately power down your nuclear fission reactor. Not that you needed to be reminded, of course

  • The key to safety is learning about potential dangers, so here: Earthquakes occur when built-up energy between grinding tectonic plates is released in a short burst. There, now you're safer

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