Earthquake Tests East Coast Preparedness

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
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Earthquake Tests East Coast Preparedness

Emergency management professionals questioned the readiness of Washington, D.C., New York, and other cities after a 5.8-magnitude earthquake hit Virginia. Here are some things you can do to keep safe during a quake:

  • At the first sign of a tremor, shoot the ground to scare the earthquake away

  • Make sure you have an "Earthquake Kit" ready to go containing a flashlight, bottled water, battery-powered radio, Mounds bars, pornography, Vicodin, a Game Boy and games, matches, toilet paper, cat treats if you have a cat, magazines to read, and other stuff

  • In the event of an earthquake, never use an elevator, only use stairs, or a fire pole

  • In case you get trapped under a building and need to be carried out by emergency crews, make sure you're wearing the clothes you'd like to be seen in on CNN

  • When the ground begins shaking, it is absolutely vital that you update your Facebook status or tweet something snarky, as this is now the common way seismologists map earthquakes' range and impact

  • Do not try to catch anything that drops from shelves unless you have a high mantel full of priceless porcelain vases that fall one by one, in which case you should frantically run back and forth beneath them, making increasingly impressive catches until the quake subsides, at which point you can finally emit a relieved sigh right before the last one conks you on the head

  • If you're trapped under rubble, just remain calm. A cadaver-sniffing dog should find you eventually

  • As soon as the shaking subsides, immediately power down your nuclear fission reactor. Not that you needed to be reminded, of course

  • The key to safety is learning about potential dangers, so here: Earthquakes occur when built-up energy between grinding tectonic plates is released in a short burst. There, now you're safer


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