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Earthquake Tests East Coast Preparedness

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Earthquake Tests East Coast Preparedness

Emergency management professionals questioned the readiness of Washington, D.C., New York, and other cities after a 5.8-magnitude earthquake hit Virginia. Here are some things you can do to keep safe during a quake:

  • At the first sign of a tremor, shoot the ground to scare the earthquake away

  • Make sure you have an "Earthquake Kit" ready to go containing a flashlight, bottled water, battery-powered radio, Mounds bars, pornography, Vicodin, a Game Boy and games, matches, toilet paper, cat treats if you have a cat, magazines to read, and other stuff

  • In the event of an earthquake, never use an elevator, only use stairs, or a fire pole

  • In case you get trapped under a building and need to be carried out by emergency crews, make sure you're wearing the clothes you'd like to be seen in on CNN

  • When the ground begins shaking, it is absolutely vital that you update your Facebook status or tweet something snarky, as this is now the common way seismologists map earthquakes' range and impact

  • Do not try to catch anything that drops from shelves unless you have a high mantel full of priceless porcelain vases that fall one by one, in which case you should frantically run back and forth beneath them, making increasingly impressive catches until the quake subsides, at which point you can finally emit a relieved sigh right before the last one conks you on the head

  • If you're trapped under rubble, just remain calm. A cadaver-sniffing dog should find you eventually

  • As soon as the shaking subsides, immediately power down your nuclear fission reactor. Not that you needed to be reminded, of course

  • The key to safety is learning about potential dangers, so here: Earthquakes occur when built-up energy between grinding tectonic plates is released in a short burst. There, now you're safer

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