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Eating Locally

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Eating Locally

The locavore movement—in which people eat food produced near their home to reduce their carbon footprint—is getting more and more popular. Here are some ways you can do more to eat locally:

  • Take time to eat more. You'll end up eating more local foods just from increased odds
  • For those of you living in the Southwest, remember that grilled lizard can really add some nice texture to sand-based dishes
  • Broccoli eaters should consider moving to California's Salinas Valley, where the bulk of the crop is grown in the U.S. Naturally, this would put further strain on the state's water supply and cause overcrowding, but at least you'd get some broccoli
  • At the supermarket, haughtily inquire of the 16-year-old kid loading bottles of milk into the dairy case if that milk comes from a local source; keep at him if he hesitates
  • You like to talk big, so prove it. Raise and kill your own turkey for Thanksgiving. Go on, do it
  • Lucky Northfield, IL residents are in for a treat: They live practically next door to Kraft Foods headquarters, which means they can have all the Stove Top stuffing they want with no guilt
  • Try a rooftop garden to provide you with basics like chives, oregano, or pigeons
  • Tie one end of a 100-mile rope to your house and the other end to your waist to ensure that you only eat within that radius
  • When visiting a farmers market, make sure to bring along a sharpened pocketknife to inspect the merchandise. You can only gauge whether you’re getting the freshest produce by annoying the shit out of vendors
  • Eat whatever the hell you want and just tell people you're eating locally

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