Eating Locally

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Vol 47 Issue 13

Cooking For Large Groups

As the warmer weather approaches, many people will open their houses to larger dinner parties. Here are some ways to take the sting out of cooking for a large group of people.

Area Dad Off To Bad Start With Waitress

BETHEL, PA—Following an awkward exchange in which Tom Richardson flagged down their server for "a round of waters" mere seconds after being seated, family members confirmed Sunday the 56-year-old father of three was off to a rough start wi...

Study: 38 Age It Too Late

BALTIMORE—After years of observing people in their late 30s to early 40s, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have determined that once an individual reaches 38 years of age it is too late to make any meaningful life changes.

Man Wakes Up From Bender With Financial Problems Solved

EUGENE, OR—Though he has only the haziest memories of what happened between the time he left work Friday evening and woke up late Sunday afternoon, marketing associate Ben Taylor told reporters today that during his 36-hour drinking binge, he somehow managed to sort out his entire financial situation.
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Eating Locally

The locavore movement—in which people eat food produced near their home to reduce their carbon footprint—is getting more and more popular. Here are some ways you can do more to eat locally:

  • Take time to eat more. You'll end up eating more local foods just from increased odds
  • For those of you living in the Southwest, remember that grilled lizard can really add some nice texture to sand-based dishes
  • Broccoli eaters should consider moving to California's Salinas Valley, where the bulk of the crop is grown in the U.S. Naturally, this would put further strain on the state's water supply and cause overcrowding, but at least you'd get some broccoli
  • At the supermarket, haughtily inquire of the 16-year-old kid loading bottles of milk into the dairy case if that milk comes from a local source; keep at him if he hesitates
  • You like to talk big, so prove it. Raise and kill your own turkey for Thanksgiving. Go on, do it
  • Lucky Northfield, IL residents are in for a treat: They live practically next door to Kraft Foods headquarters, which means they can have all the Stove Top stuffing they want with no guilt
  • Try a rooftop garden to provide you with basics like chives, oregano, or pigeons
  • Tie one end of a 100-mile rope to your house and the other end to your waist to ensure that you only eat within that radius
  • When visiting a farmers market, make sure to bring along a sharpened pocketknife to inspect the merchandise. You can only gauge whether you’re getting the freshest produce by annoying the shit out of vendors
  • Eat whatever the hell you want and just tell people you're eating locally
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