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Eating Locally

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Eating Locally

The locavore movement—in which people eat food produced near their home to reduce their carbon footprint—is getting more and more popular. Here are some ways you can do more to eat locally:

  • Take time to eat more. You'll end up eating more local foods just from increased odds
  • For those of you living in the Southwest, remember that grilled lizard can really add some nice texture to sand-based dishes
  • Broccoli eaters should consider moving to California's Salinas Valley, where the bulk of the crop is grown in the U.S. Naturally, this would put further strain on the state's water supply and cause overcrowding, but at least you'd get some broccoli
  • At the supermarket, haughtily inquire of the 16-year-old kid loading bottles of milk into the dairy case if that milk comes from a local source; keep at him if he hesitates
  • You like to talk big, so prove it. Raise and kill your own turkey for Thanksgiving. Go on, do it
  • Lucky Northfield, IL residents are in for a treat: They live practically next door to Kraft Foods headquarters, which means they can have all the Stove Top stuffing they want with no guilt
  • Try a rooftop garden to provide you with basics like chives, oregano, or pigeons
  • Tie one end of a 100-mile rope to your house and the other end to your waist to ensure that you only eat within that radius
  • When visiting a farmers market, make sure to bring along a sharpened pocketknife to inspect the merchandise. You can only gauge whether you’re getting the freshest produce by annoying the shit out of vendors
  • Eat whatever the hell you want and just tell people you're eating locally

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