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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Eating Locally

The locavore movement—in which people eat food produced near their home to reduce their carbon footprint—is getting more and more popular. Here are some ways you can do more to eat locally:

  • Take time to eat more. You'll end up eating more local foods just from increased odds
  • For those of you living in the Southwest, remember that grilled lizard can really add some nice texture to sand-based dishes
  • Broccoli eaters should consider moving to California's Salinas Valley, where the bulk of the crop is grown in the U.S. Naturally, this would put further strain on the state's water supply and cause overcrowding, but at least you'd get some broccoli
  • At the supermarket, haughtily inquire of the 16-year-old kid loading bottles of milk into the dairy case if that milk comes from a local source; keep at him if he hesitates
  • You like to talk big, so prove it. Raise and kill your own turkey for Thanksgiving. Go on, do it
  • Lucky Northfield, IL residents are in for a treat: They live practically next door to Kraft Foods headquarters, which means they can have all the Stove Top stuffing they want with no guilt
  • Try a rooftop garden to provide you with basics like chives, oregano, or pigeons
  • Tie one end of a 100-mile rope to your house and the other end to your waist to ensure that you only eat within that radius
  • When visiting a farmers market, make sure to bring along a sharpened pocketknife to inspect the merchandise. You can only gauge whether you’re getting the freshest produce by annoying the shit out of vendors
  • Eat whatever the hell you want and just tell people you're eating locally

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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