WASHINGTON—Admonishing those responsible for failing to uphold their moral duties, Vice President Mike Pence expressed disappointment Saturday in the 200,000 husbands and fathers who had allowed the women and girls in their charge to attend the Women’s March on Washington.
PITTSBURGH—Stressing the importance of giving back to those who are much less fortunate, members of the Pittsburgh Steelers reportedly spent Friday making surprise hospital visits to spend some time with opponents they’ve injured.
WASHINGTON—Activating a set of intense desires and personal drives that had until that moment remained dormant, the experience of seeing thousands of people marching in his honor during Friday’s inaugural parade reportedly unlocked a deeper, darker corner of President Donald Trump’s psyche than had previously been known to exist.
WASHINGTON—Jotting down the instructions so the incoming commander-in-chief would be able to quickly and easily access the personal information of the American populace without any hassle, outgoing President Barack Obama left a Post-it note on the White House kitchen counter Friday explaining how to use the government’s extralegal surveillance apparatus, sources confirmed.
WASHINGTON—Saying he needed to turn his life around before “ending up in deep shit,” outgoing Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly hatching plans Friday to go completely legit now that his term in office has concluded.
WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.
WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
WASHINGTON—Leaving the nation in an uneasy state of dread as he spoke from the Capitol steps, incoming President Donald Trump reportedly delivered a disturbing inaugural address Friday in which he repeatedly threatened to work hard to implement his campaign promises.
WASHINGTON—Explaining that the task was simply one of many professional responsibilities he is required to perform, Chief Justice John Roberts reportedly stopped partway through administering the presidential oath of office Friday, turned to face those gathered on the National Mall, and reminded them this was just part of his job.
WASHINGTON—Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before making his way to the lectern, President Donald Trump reportedly calmed his nerves before his inaugural address Friday by reminding himself that he is the only person who actually exists.
WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
WASHINGTON—Telling reporters he needed to get his “digs back into primo condition” as quickly as possible, Vice President Joe Biden was seen scrambling around Friday morning in a frantic attempt to clean up Number One Observatory Circle just hours before his successor was scheduled to move into the residence.
WASHINGTON—Sighing wistfully while recalling all the times the psychedelic artwork helped get his “rocks off,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly grew emotional Thursday as he carefully took down a blacklight poster of a topless barbarian chick from his office wall.
GROZNY, RUSSIA—Coming eye to eye with the mysterious guerrilla mastermind he had been hunting for the past several years, a shackled Secretary of State John Kerry looked on Thursday as a notorious and brutal Chechen terror leader removed his mask to reveal the scarred face of Kerry’s former mentor.