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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Edward Snowden’s Current Options

Former NSA agent Edward Snowden has been accused of treason and is currently the target of an international manhunt. With the U.S. demanding his return to America, The Onion looks at what Snowden’s current options are:

  • Set everything right by returning leaked NSA secrets to their original owners
  • Flee to a nation with widespread public hostility to the U.S., such as the U.S.
  • Found a new country on a piece of land no one has discovered yet
  • Point out to U.S government how expensive court battle would be for both sides
  • Cackle and deliver defiant speech at federal agents from inside hall of mirrors, leaving them completely confounded as to which one’s the real Edward Snowden
  • Apologize to the 254 Americans who actually had a problem with what he did
  • Maybe a new haircut?
  • Head to international waters, where the only master is the sea
  • Get rid of giant fish tank that will probably only slow him down from here on out
  • Indulge his thirst for truth with a variety of courses offered under Carnegie Mellon University’s adult-extension programming
  • Accept that no matter how far he runs, he’ll always be just like his father
  • Hide in a backyard boat, maybe
  • Reflect and reach the clearly evident conclusion that Americans should never under any circumstances know what their government does behind their backs, and then do the correct thing by turning himself in
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