Edward Snowden’s Current Options

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Edward Snowden’s Current Options

Former NSA agent Edward Snowden has been accused of treason and is currently the target of an international manhunt. With the U.S. demanding his return to America, The Onion looks at what Snowden’s current options are:

  • Set everything right by returning leaked NSA secrets to their original owners
  • Flee to a nation with widespread public hostility to the U.S., such as the U.S.
  • Found a new country on a piece of land no one has discovered yet
  • Point out to U.S government how expensive court battle would be for both sides
  • Cackle and deliver defiant speech at federal agents from inside hall of mirrors, leaving them completely confounded as to which one’s the real Edward Snowden
  • Apologize to the 254 Americans who actually had a problem with what he did
  • Maybe a new haircut?
  • Head to international waters, where the only master is the sea
  • Get rid of giant fish tank that will probably only slow him down from here on out
  • Indulge his thirst for truth with a variety of courses offered under Carnegie Mellon University’s adult-extension programming
  • Accept that no matter how far he runs, he’ll always be just like his father
  • Hide in a backyard boat, maybe
  • Reflect and reach the clearly evident conclusion that Americans should never under any circumstances know what their government does behind their backs, and then do the correct thing by turning himself in


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close