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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Edward Snowden’s Current Options

Former NSA agent Edward Snowden has been accused of treason and is currently the target of an international manhunt. With the U.S. demanding his return to America, The Onion looks at what Snowden’s current options are:

  • Set everything right by returning leaked NSA secrets to their original owners
  • Flee to a nation with widespread public hostility to the U.S., such as the U.S.
  • Found a new country on a piece of land no one has discovered yet
  • Point out to U.S government how expensive court battle would be for both sides
  • Cackle and deliver defiant speech at federal agents from inside hall of mirrors, leaving them completely confounded as to which one’s the real Edward Snowden
  • Apologize to the 254 Americans who actually had a problem with what he did
  • Maybe a new haircut?
  • Head to international waters, where the only master is the sea
  • Get rid of giant fish tank that will probably only slow him down from here on out
  • Indulge his thirst for truth with a variety of courses offered under Carnegie Mellon University’s adult-extension programming
  • Accept that no matter how far he runs, he’ll always be just like his father
  • Hide in a backyard boat, maybe
  • Reflect and reach the clearly evident conclusion that Americans should never under any circumstances know what their government does behind their backs, and then do the correct thing by turning himself in

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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