Edward Snowden’s Current Options

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Vol 49 Issue 26

Progressive Charter School Doesn’t Have Students

ATLANTA—One year into its founding as the purported “bold next step in education reform,” administrators on Monday sang the praises of Forest Gates Academy, a progressive new charter school that practices an innovative philosophy of not ...

Government Bans Sugary, Fatty Snacks From Schools

Under the government’s new “Smart Snacks in Schools” guidelines, schools will no longer be allowed to stock vending machines or snack bars with treats exceeding 200 calories or those including trans fats.

Magic Skateboard

PBS 3 p.m. EDT/2 p.m. CDT In this spinoff of The Magic School Bus, Mrs. Frizzle and her class hop on the magic skateboard and try to land a 360 varial inside the principal’s small intestine.

Senate Passes Immigration Reform Bill

With 14 Republicans joining Democrats, the Senate passed a sweeping immigration reform bill yesterday, which would provide a 13-year path to citizenship for the nation’s illegal immigrants, though the bill faces strong opposition from House Republic...
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Edward Snowden’s Current Options

Former NSA agent Edward Snowden has been accused of treason and is currently the target of an international manhunt. With the U.S. demanding his return to America, The Onion looks at what Snowden’s current options are:

  • Set everything right by returning leaked NSA secrets to their original owners
  • Flee to a nation with widespread public hostility to the U.S., such as the U.S.
  • Found a new country on a piece of land no one has discovered yet
  • Point out to U.S government how expensive court battle would be for both sides
  • Cackle and deliver defiant speech at federal agents from inside hall of mirrors, leaving them completely confounded as to which one’s the real Edward Snowden
  • Apologize to the 254 Americans who actually had a problem with what he did
  • Maybe a new haircut?
  • Head to international waters, where the only master is the sea
  • Get rid of giant fish tank that will probably only slow him down from here on out
  • Indulge his thirst for truth with a variety of courses offered under Carnegie Mellon University’s adult-extension programming
  • Accept that no matter how far he runs, he’ll always be just like his father
  • Hide in a backyard boat, maybe
  • Reflect and reach the clearly evident conclusion that Americans should never under any circumstances know what their government does behind their backs, and then do the correct thing by turning himself in
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