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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Emerging Technologies

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2009 saw a number of eye-popping new gadgets and devices available on the consumer market. Here are some of the ones that really delivered:

Remote-Controlled Chocolate Fountain—Fresh dipping chocolate now ready and flowing whenever you're ready to get up off the couch.
Google G1—Users searching for specific contact information will be delighted by this hip new smartphone's "I'm Feeling Lucky" feature, which dials a random publicly listed phone number.
Wii Fit—Provides workouts for your fat avatar.
Amazon U2 Edition Kindle—Housed in a sleek black-and-red casing, this electronic reading device comes preloaded with U2's favorite books.
Canon PowerShot E1—This remarkable new device essentially freezes a moment in time, displays that singular moment visually on a small screen, and enables one to re-access that moment at any time one wishes, either using that device or a larger device with a looking-window attached.
The Apple Mini—This new miniature version of the major corporation Apple can be stored in a corporate headquarters the size of a matchbox.
Panasonic Toughbook—A laptop so thick and tough that it will scare the living shit out of you.
Hasbro A.M.P. Robot—Proves once and for all that listening to music is a lot better with a dancing robot than without a dancing robot.

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