adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Encouraging Abstinence For Adults

The government recently expanded its abstinence-only message to include adults. They have used the following strategies to encourage men and women to abstain from sex:

  • Launching nationwide initiative to end boredom
  • Starting 24-hour hotline they can call anytime the urge to have sex strikes; $2.99 a minute
  • Suggesting that at any moment their parents could walk in
  • Reinstating Prohibition
  • Convincing Al Green to record "No Need To Rush It, Baby"
  • Encouraging them to explore gay sex, because everyone knows sex only counts if it's between man and woman
  • Lowering volume in bars so people are forced to actually get to know each other
  • Leading by example

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close