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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Encouraging Abstinence For Adults

The government recently expanded its abstinence-only message to include adults. They have used the following strategies to encourage men and women to abstain from sex:

  • Launching nationwide initiative to end boredom
  • Starting 24-hour hotline they can call anytime the urge to have sex strikes; $2.99 a minute
  • Suggesting that at any moment their parents could walk in
  • Reinstating Prohibition
  • Convincing Al Green to record "No Need To Rush It, Baby"
  • Encouraging them to explore gay sex, because everyone knows sex only counts if it's between man and woman
  • Lowering volume in bars so people are forced to actually get to know each other
  • Leading by example

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