Encouraging Abstinence For Adults

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Encouraging Abstinence For Adults

The government recently expanded its abstinence-only message to include adults. They have used the following strategies to encourage men and women to abstain from sex:

  • Launching nationwide initiative to end boredom
  • Starting 24-hour hotline they can call anytime the urge to have sex strikes; $2.99 a minute
  • Suggesting that at any moment their parents could walk in
  • Reinstating Prohibition
  • Convincing Al Green to record "No Need To Rush It, Baby"
  • Encouraging them to explore gay sex, because everyone knows sex only counts if it's between man and woman
  • Lowering volume in bars so people are forced to actually get to know each other
  • Leading by example