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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Encouraging Abstinence For Adults

The government recently expanded its abstinence-only message to include adults. They have used the following strategies to encourage men and women to abstain from sex:

  • Launching nationwide initiative to end boredom
  • Starting 24-hour hotline they can call anytime the urge to have sex strikes; $2.99 a minute
  • Suggesting that at any moment their parents could walk in
  • Reinstating Prohibition
  • Convincing Al Green to record "No Need To Rush It, Baby"
  • Encouraging them to explore gay sex, because everyone knows sex only counts if it's between man and woman
  • Lowering volume in bars so people are forced to actually get to know each other
  • Leading by example

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