Espionage In Sports

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Espionage In Sports

The Patriots may have used relatively high-tech methods to gather information on their opponents' strategies, but spying on the other team is nothing new. Onion Sports looks back at the history of sports espionage:

1905: Catcher Johnny Bassler invents a system of numerical signs he could make with his fingers after he noticed batters were listening to the pitch calls he was yelling

1966: Suspicious of being spied on, Vince Lombardi shoots down the Goodyear Blimp, bringing tensions to a head and leading to the first ever clash between the AFL and NFL

1973: The Dallas Cowboys' elaborate system of underground tunnels is discovered when the team is announced and accidentally comes rushing out from under the 50-yard line

1982: St. Louis Cardinals spymaster Dennis Gurgely adopts the alias "Don Mattingly" and infiltrates the New York Yankees in the guise of a first baseman; in his 14 years with the team, the Yankees did not win a single championship

1984: Philadelphia Eagles defensive back Wes "Wrong Huddle" Hopkins is fined $25,000

1991: Hulk Hogan defeats Sergeant Slaughter for the heavyweight title after simply listening to Slaughter's filmed tirade about what he was going to do to Hogan in the ring

1992: Mets pitcher Sid Fernandez is caught blatantly stealing signs from Mets catchers

1998: NASCAR officials accuse Jeff Gordon of using his rearview mirror to watch what the other cars are doing

2000: The growing practice of lip-reading on NFL sidelines forces Jon Gruden to cover his gorgeous yet rugged face with his playcard

2006: During the Stanley Cup Finals, the NHL confiscates several strange television cameras and other video broadcast equipment from the RBC Center; it has never been determined who was filming these games, or why

2007: Bill Belichick purposely gets caught videotaping defensive play signals in order to divert public attention from his elite army of spies, who are cleverly disguised as fans, vendors, cheerleaders, referees, head coaches, and league commissioners


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