HOLLYWOOD, CA— The recording industry's top atonal composers gathered in Los Angeles Monday for the gala seventh annual Atony Awards. "Tonight is hostile music's biggest night," said Krzysztof Penderecki, nominee in the Most Dissonant Piece category. "I can't tell you what a thrill it is to be here, surrounded by so many legends of arrhythmic cacophony." The highlight of the evening is expected to be the awarding of the Olivier Messiaen Lifetime Achievement Award to Karlheinz Stockhausen for "more than five decades of aggressively impenetrable anti-music."
MURFREESBORO, TN— According to customers at Po' Boys Family Restaurant, waitress Melanie Bostic is only friendly when bringing the check. "About 10 minutes after I sat down, she walks over and says, 'Know whatcha want?' No 'hi' or anything," customer Bruce Banda said. "Then, when I'm done eating, all of a sudden I get a big smile and my name is 'Honey.'" Fellow customer Sandi Herzog agreed. "The placemats boast of Po' Boys' 'Famous Friendly Service,'" Herzog said. "That probably should say, 'Famous Curt, Inconsiderate Service Until We Want You To Pay And Leave.'"
NDEPENDENCE, MO— The murder trial of three Symbionese Liberation Army members is providing Americans with a nostalgic escape to a carefree, more innocent time. "Oh, man, Patty Hearst and the SLA. That takes me back to high school," said Ralph Henderson, 43, an Independence-area dentist. "Pet rocks, Jerry Ford jokes, small bands of kooky, disorganized terrorists shooting up local banks... Those were the days."
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION— Decrying various unspecified aspects of the U.S. Shadow Government, an indeterminate number of Shadow Protesters gathered outside the organization's mountain retreat, sealed germ-free vault, or underground bunker, on Monday. "We unfortunately cannot comment on our feelings about the Shadow Government at this time," said an unnamed protester, neither confirming nor denying reports that he or she accused the Shadow Government of violating the U.S. Constitution. After 20 minutes of protest, the group was dispersed by members of the Shadow Secret Service, who used "means at their disposal."
HAYWARD, CA— Dinesh Parekh, 9, continues to struggle to find a bicycle license plate with his name on it, the Indian-American child reported Monday. "This is the third store I've checked today," said a dejected Parekh, exiting a Toys "R" Us near his Hayward home. "Derrick, Diane, Dillon and Dylan, Dirk... no Dinesh." Parekh, who has pedaled his brand-new Schwinn to more than a dozen stores during his three-week search, said he plans to ask his mother to drive him to the KB Toys in San Leandro next weekend.
Hello, sir. I'm Rawlings, head of the Department for Special Acquisitions and Liquidations. Allow me to welcome you to the DSAL. I appreciate you coming from Zurich on such short notice. How was your flight? Yes, I know, the Concorde isn't all it's cracked up to be, but we needed you here fast. Time is of the essence. This is our car.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...
KENWOOD, OH—Saying she has a lot of nerve to try and pull something like this, employees of insurance agency Boland & Sons told reporters Wednesday that coworker Emily Nelson seems to believe she can just waltz back into work after her maternity...