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European Debt Crisis Solutions

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.
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European Debt Crisis Solutions

As the debt crisis continues to batter Europe’s finances, many countries, including Greece, Spain, and Italy, have been forced to impose severe austerity measures. Here are some of the efforts being taken to tighten budgets:

  • Austria: $5 surcharge every time anyone in the world watches The Sound Of Music
  • Italy: Suspending all sewage and trash pickup services, effective 1993
  • Greece: Government to lay off thousands of government-employed antigovernment protesters
  • The Netherlands: Releasing part two of Anne Frank’s diary
  • Finland: Increasing one of those European-sounding taxes, like the GATT, or the VAT, or the SCRAT, or whatever
  • Andorra: Tourism board charged with really getting the word out there about Andorra.
  • Poland: World War II–related tours now cost the usual price plus whatever is in one’s pockets and also that watch
  • Portugal: Quietly breaking away from Spain in the middle of the night and floating across the Atlantic in search of a better life
  • Germany: Subtly reminding the rest of Europe what happened last time they faced hyperinflation

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