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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Events Leading Up To N. Korea Nuclear Test

Two weeks ago, North Korea detonated a nuclear bomb. Here is the series of developments that led up to this test:

  • 1986: Kim Jong-Il tells thugs in a local bar he'll "show them all"
  • 1993: North Korea realizes they have all the components needed to build nuclear bombs just lying around
  • 1996: Kim Jong-Il decides individual murders take too long
  • 1998: Military begins digging really big holes
  • 2002: Fact that Bush includes North Korea in "Axis Of Evil" encourages them to act accordingly
  • 2003: Nation starts ducking all of CIA's phone calls
  • 2005: Prior to U.N. weapons inspections, Kim Jong-Il orders all bombs to be hidden behind his various portraits throughout country
  • 2006: Government conducts experiments to determine how long an entire nation can go without food
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