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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Events Leading Up To N. Korea Nuclear Test

Two weeks ago, North Korea detonated a nuclear bomb. Here is the series of developments that led up to this test:

  • 1986: Kim Jong-Il tells thugs in a local bar he'll "show them all"
  • 1993: North Korea realizes they have all the components needed to build nuclear bombs just lying around
  • 1996: Kim Jong-Il decides individual murders take too long
  • 1998: Military begins digging really big holes
  • 2002: Fact that Bush includes North Korea in "Axis Of Evil" encourages them to act accordingly
  • 2003: Nation starts ducking all of CIA's phone calls
  • 2005: Prior to U.N. weapons inspections, Kim Jong-Il orders all bombs to be hidden behind his various portraits throughout country
  • 2006: Government conducts experiments to determine how long an entire nation can go without food
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