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Everyday Customers Mistaken For Terrorists

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Everyday Customers Mistaken For Terrorists

Recently, there has been a rash of incidents wherein ordinary people are being denied services, such as flights or car rentals, because they share the names of known or suspected terrorists. Here are some people who are being affected:

Josie Bin Laden, Hanover, NH: Financial aid cut during junior year at Dartmouth

Officer Chuck "The Jackal" Wilson, Chicago: Refused tickets for Policemen's Spring Ball

Mr. Abu Ghraib, Akron, OH: Prohibited from renting a copy of Bring It On at Blockbuster

Abdul Baqi, Musa Hottak, Muhammad Rasul, Yar Arsala, Bremerton, WA: Rock group Bavarian Cream not allowed to compete in Battle of the Bands

Timothy McVeigh, Knoxville, TN: Daily routine constantly interrupted by people asking him if he's that Timothy McVeigh

Ali Muhsin, Dallas: Hasn't been able to purchase so much as a pair of trousers in four years

Ali Atwa, San Francisco: Denied access to an airplane he planned to fly into the Golden Gate Bridge, even though it was for personal reasons and not for a radical Islamic cause

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