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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Everyday Customers Mistaken For Terrorists

Recently, there has been a rash of incidents wherein ordinary people are being denied services, such as flights or car rentals, because they share the names of known or suspected terrorists. Here are some people who are being affected:

Josie Bin Laden, Hanover, NH: Financial aid cut during junior year at Dartmouth

Officer Chuck "The Jackal" Wilson, Chicago: Refused tickets for Policemen's Spring Ball

Mr. Abu Ghraib, Akron, OH: Prohibited from renting a copy of Bring It On at Blockbuster

Abdul Baqi, Musa Hottak, Muhammad Rasul, Yar Arsala, Bremerton, WA: Rock group Bavarian Cream not allowed to compete in Battle of the Bands

Timothy McVeigh, Knoxville, TN: Daily routine constantly interrupted by people asking him if he's that Timothy McVeigh

Ali Muhsin, Dallas: Hasn't been able to purchase so much as a pair of trousers in four years

Ali Atwa, San Francisco: Denied access to an airplane he planned to fly into the Golden Gate Bridge, even though it was for personal reasons and not for a radical Islamic cause

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