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Everyday Customers Mistaken For Terrorists

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Everyday Customers Mistaken For Terrorists

Recently, there has been a rash of incidents wherein ordinary people are being denied services, such as flights or car rentals, because they share the names of known or suspected terrorists. Here are some people who are being affected:

Josie Bin Laden, Hanover, NH: Financial aid cut during junior year at Dartmouth

Officer Chuck "The Jackal" Wilson, Chicago: Refused tickets for Policemen's Spring Ball

Mr. Abu Ghraib, Akron, OH: Prohibited from renting a copy of Bring It On at Blockbuster

Abdul Baqi, Musa Hottak, Muhammad Rasul, Yar Arsala, Bremerton, WA: Rock group Bavarian Cream not allowed to compete in Battle of the Bands

Timothy McVeigh, Knoxville, TN: Daily routine constantly interrupted by people asking him if he's that Timothy McVeigh

Ali Muhsin, Dallas: Hasn't been able to purchase so much as a pair of trousers in four years

Ali Atwa, San Francisco: Denied access to an airplane he planned to fly into the Golden Gate Bridge, even though it was for personal reasons and not for a radical Islamic cause

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