Everyday Customers Mistaken For Terrorists

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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Everyday Customers Mistaken For Terrorists

Recently, there has been a rash of incidents wherein ordinary people are being denied services, such as flights or car rentals, because they share the names of known or suspected terrorists. Here are some people who are being affected:

Josie Bin Laden, Hanover, NH: Financial aid cut during junior year at Dartmouth

Officer Chuck "The Jackal" Wilson, Chicago: Refused tickets for Policemen's Spring Ball

Mr. Abu Ghraib, Akron, OH: Prohibited from renting a copy of Bring It On at Blockbuster

Abdul Baqi, Musa Hottak, Muhammad Rasul, Yar Arsala, Bremerton, WA: Rock group Bavarian Cream not allowed to compete in Battle of the Bands

Timothy McVeigh, Knoxville, TN: Daily routine constantly interrupted by people asking him if he's that Timothy McVeigh

Ali Muhsin, Dallas: Hasn't been able to purchase so much as a pair of trousers in four years

Ali Atwa, San Francisco: Denied access to an airplane he planned to fly into the Golden Gate Bridge, even though it was for personal reasons and not for a radical Islamic cause