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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Evolution Of Obama's Gay Marriage Stance

Last week, President Obama announced he is now in favor of gay marriage and said his stance had evolved over the past two years. Here are some of the evolutionary stages of Obama's opinion:

  • Nov. 30, 2008: The president is so moved by the film Milk that he decides to watch all of Sean Penn's other movies
  • Oct. 21, 2009: Sees Dick Cheney on television criticizing the administration's Afghanistan policy, thinks the former vice president might be a little happier if his daughter were married
  • November 23, 2009: Stops using the word "gay" to describe Vice President Biden's opinion on foreign affairs
  • Apr. 15, 2010: Is touched by impassioned letter from Rip Taylor saying that his final goal in life is to throw confetti at his own wedding
  • Oct. 14, 2010: After years of resistance, Obama finally starts to get into the Scissor Sisters
  • Apr. 3, 2011: Obama struggles with his position, his conscience saying, "Demand equality for gays now," and his poll numbers saying, "Wait for some more old withered bigots to die off first"
  • Apr. 26, 2012: 10-year-old daughter Sasha explains to him that gay marriage is uncontroversial for the vast majority of young people and, in 20 years, opposing it will seem to them as inexplicable as supporting segregation
  • May 8, 2012: Vice President Joe Biden sticks his head into Oval Office and asks, "What the fuck are you afraid of?"

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