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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Evolution Of Obama's Gay Marriage Stance

Last week, President Obama announced he is now in favor of gay marriage and said his stance had evolved over the past two years. Here are some of the evolutionary stages of Obama's opinion:

  • Nov. 30, 2008: The president is so moved by the film Milk that he decides to watch all of Sean Penn's other movies
  • Oct. 21, 2009: Sees Dick Cheney on television criticizing the administration's Afghanistan policy, thinks the former vice president might be a little happier if his daughter were married
  • November 23, 2009: Stops using the word "gay" to describe Vice President Biden's opinion on foreign affairs
  • Apr. 15, 2010: Is touched by impassioned letter from Rip Taylor saying that his final goal in life is to throw confetti at his own wedding
  • Oct. 14, 2010: After years of resistance, Obama finally starts to get into the Scissor Sisters
  • Apr. 3, 2011: Obama struggles with his position, his conscience saying, "Demand equality for gays now," and his poll numbers saying, "Wait for some more old withered bigots to die off first"
  • Apr. 26, 2012: 10-year-old daughter Sasha explains to him that gay marriage is uncontroversial for the vast majority of young people and, in 20 years, opposing it will seem to them as inexplicable as supporting segregation
  • May 8, 2012: Vice President Joe Biden sticks his head into Oval Office and asks, "What the fuck are you afraid of?"

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