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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Evolution Of Obama's Gay Marriage Stance

Last week, President Obama announced he is now in favor of gay marriage and said his stance had evolved over the past two years. Here are some of the evolutionary stages of Obama's opinion:

  • Nov. 30, 2008: The president is so moved by the film Milk that he decides to watch all of Sean Penn's other movies
  • Oct. 21, 2009: Sees Dick Cheney on television criticizing the administration's Afghanistan policy, thinks the former vice president might be a little happier if his daughter were married
  • November 23, 2009: Stops using the word "gay" to describe Vice President Biden's opinion on foreign affairs
  • Apr. 15, 2010: Is touched by impassioned letter from Rip Taylor saying that his final goal in life is to throw confetti at his own wedding
  • Oct. 14, 2010: After years of resistance, Obama finally starts to get into the Scissor Sisters
  • Apr. 3, 2011: Obama struggles with his position, his conscience saying, "Demand equality for gays now," and his poll numbers saying, "Wait for some more old withered bigots to die off first"
  • Apr. 26, 2012: 10-year-old daughter Sasha explains to him that gay marriage is uncontroversial for the vast majority of young people and, in 20 years, opposing it will seem to them as inexplicable as supporting segregation
  • May 8, 2012: Vice President Joe Biden sticks his head into Oval Office and asks, "What the fuck are you afraid of?"
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