HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Residents of Maplewood Estates, a gated residential neighborhood in the upscale Highland Park suburb of Chicago, announced Tuesday that they wish there was something they could do. "If you look around the world today, there are so many poor people and other terrible things," said resident and bridge enthusiast Marjorie Evans. "It’s very sad." Judith Donnelly, editor of Maplewood Estate’s monthly newsletter Maple Leaves, said she is similarly upset by all the problems to be found outside her police-guarded gates. "It’s such a shame," Donnelly said. "But what can you do?"
BERN, SWITZERLAND—The nation of Switzerland ended 183 years of neutrality Wednesday, when the Swiss Federal Assembly unanimously approved an alliance with an assortment platter of Schoenherr Brothers oven-baked pastries. "We remained neutral for as long as we could," said Swiss president Heinrich Koller, "but in light of the flaky crust and delicious fruit fillings these pastries offer, we can no longer refuse an alliance between these wholly scrumptious treats and our tummies." Under the terms the accord, the Swiss military will defend the baked goods should they be invaded.
I have decided to revise my last will and testament. The person to whom I previously bequeathed my entire estate, the woman with the enormous mammaries, apparently cannot be located, so I will have to designate new heirs. They are as follows:
Yo yo yo yo, whassssuuup, G's. H-Dog in tha house, and you'll pardon me if I dispense with the usual formalities, but I'm out for muthafuckin' REVENGE. You see, some dirty cocksucka dared fuck with me, Tha Stone Cold Funky-Fresh Bad-Ass Of Accountz Reeceevable. I swear, before I sign out for lunch today I'm gonna Hong Kong on that sorry fool's ass. I'm gonna cut him a permanent smile wit' my Letter Opener Of Death. I'm serious. Heads will get flown.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...
BALTIMORE—Welcoming their trip to local bar Cavanaugh Tap House as a much-needed change of pace, a group of friends expressed their excitement Thursday at the opportunity to sit around and do nothing in a completely different setting, sources confirmed.