Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

Expensive Medical Treatments

Many Americans with life-threatening diseases have been refusing new medical treatments, saying the high costs outweigh the benefits. Here are a few commonly rejected treatments:

  • Zero-gravity triple-bypass surgery
  • Bed rest in Langham Hotel's Infinity Suite
  • 56-thousand-dollarectomy
  • Quadriplegia pills
  • Cryogenically freezing faulty organs inside patient until cure is found
  • Artificial mechanical heart
  • Burt Bacharach–serenaded chemotherapy session
  • Insulin


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.