adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Explaining the 2007 BCS Top Ten

1. Ohio State (11-1): Shows what can happen in a contentious season if you just play pretty good football and wait for everyone to throw up their hands, say "screw it," and vote you No. 1 out of habit

2. LSU (11-2): The Tigers were able to leap from No. 7 to No. 2 in the final week when the BCS computer factored in the average start time of their games

3. Virginia Tech (11-2): Pollers felt need to move Virginia Tech up to No. 3 so they could play in the FedEx Orange Bowl, as in light of past events, it would have been insensitive to invite them to the Tostitos Unspeakable Tragedy Bowl

4. Oklahoma (11-2): Once again the Sooners make it into the top five because someone on the team has an uncle who knows the BCS computer

5. Georgia (10-2): [cue banjo music]

6. Missouri (11-2): Despite numerous letters, phone calls, and visits from NCAA officials, the Tigers still think they're going to the BCS National Championship

7. USC (10-2): Alumnus Judd Apatow had a pretty good year overall

8. Kansas (11-1): Would have been ranked higher, but committee hated their arch, theatrical habit of beginning away games by observing they were not in Kansas anymore

9. West Virginia (10-2): Oh, okay, yeah, West Virginia, they were good, then they lost, still good but, you know, they're the No. 9 team, fine, whatever. Who gives a shit at this point?

10. Hawaii (12-0): Finally advanced to first BCS after beating Hawaii State, South Hawaii, and Hawaii A&M four times each

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close