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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Explaining the 2007 BCS Top Ten

1. Ohio State (11-1): Shows what can happen in a contentious season if you just play pretty good football and wait for everyone to throw up their hands, say "screw it," and vote you No. 1 out of habit

2. LSU (11-2): The Tigers were able to leap from No. 7 to No. 2 in the final week when the BCS computer factored in the average start time of their games

3. Virginia Tech (11-2): Pollers felt need to move Virginia Tech up to No. 3 so they could play in the FedEx Orange Bowl, as in light of past events, it would have been insensitive to invite them to the Tostitos Unspeakable Tragedy Bowl

4. Oklahoma (11-2): Once again the Sooners make it into the top five because someone on the team has an uncle who knows the BCS computer

5. Georgia (10-2): [cue banjo music]

6. Missouri (11-2): Despite numerous letters, phone calls, and visits from NCAA officials, the Tigers still think they're going to the BCS National Championship

7. USC (10-2): Alumnus Judd Apatow had a pretty good year overall

8. Kansas (11-1): Would have been ranked higher, but committee hated their arch, theatrical habit of beginning away games by observing they were not in Kansas anymore

9. West Virginia (10-2): Oh, okay, yeah, West Virginia, they were good, then they lost, still good but, you know, they're the No. 9 team, fine, whatever. Who gives a shit at this point?

10. Hawaii (12-0): Finally advanced to first BCS after beating Hawaii State, South Hawaii, and Hawaii A&M four times each

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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