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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Explore Your Year: Timeline 2008

An exhaustive recap of every important event:

Jan 22: Hollywood mourns the loss of a sequel

Feb 24: Kid brother receives hand-me-down Cuban dictatorship

March 15: Jeff's birthday

April 15: Delta, Northwest Airlines merger forms the world's longest check-in line

May 30: An adorable robot searches for love in the summer blockbuster 'Sex And The City'

June 27: Robert Mugabe re-elected with massive grassroots violence campaign

July 12: 97lb Amy Winehouse is followed everywhere by sound of low, tolling bell

August 7th: Cheney is outraged over invasion of smaller country by Superpower

Sept 20: Louis Vuitton Bag attached to end of stick

Sept. 24: Mother Nature enters menopause

Oct 4: Bunch of rich jerks fuck everyone right in the ass

Oct 15: GOP spends $15 on Todd Palin's goatee

Oct 22: Thousands of astronauts cling to the side of India's first spacecraft launch

Nov 4: Lincoln memorial seems more relaxed following Obama victory

Nov 8: Russia decommissions 20 Navy officers 30,000 feet below sea level

Nov. 27th: World's Muslims complain Eid al-Adha decorations going up earlier every year

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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