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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Facebook's Popular Applications

One of the factors contributing to the overwhelming popularity of Facebook is that third parties are allowed to create applications for the site. Here are some of the features that have made Facebook a force to contend with:

Halloween Picture Alert: Tells you to change your profile picture after your Halloween one has been left on there for too long

Shove: Members can "shove," with varying degrees of intensity, other members who are really starting to annoy them

Carbon Offset Offsetter: With every click, a 6-year-old child in India is forced to dig up 50 pounds of coal and set it on fire

MySpace Layouts and Skins: Make your Facebook page look so much like MySpace that you'll wonder why you joined yet another social network

Thick as a Brickster: Plays the entirety of Jethro Tull's Thick As A Brick album

Ad space: Allows you to check out really awesome advertisements from the coolest companies, free of charge

Jesus Christ, I Wish You Would Fucking Die LOL!: Lighthearted way to inform your coworkers and dull college classmates that you do not wish to play Scrabulous with them

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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