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Politics

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Fact-Checking The Debates

The four presidential and vice presidential debates of the 2012 election season featured countless questionable or conflicting claims, giving the nation’s fact-checkers more than their fair share of work. Here are some of their key findings from the debates:

  • Contrary to Obama’s claims, PBS does account for 90 percent of federal spending
  • All four candidates incorrectly stated they were “happy to be here” during the debates
  • Jim Lehrer misspoke when he described himself as the moderator of the first debate
  • Mitt Romney erroneously claimed there were “less jobs” today than four years ago, when, in actuality, it’s “fewer jobs.” “Less” applies to an amount that can’t be counted directly, such as the volume of a liquid
  • All of the candidates cited their deep religious beliefs despite there being no God
  • Paul Ryan inaccurately claimed he was running for vice president. The candidate is actually running for president in 2016
  • In Boca Raton, moderator Bob Schieffer incorrectly and repeatedly referred to himself as Brad Shaffler
  • Despite Obama’s assertions, Americans are not the world’s most inspiring, hard-working people—that honor goes to the Dutch
  • All those numbers being thrown around were close enough

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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