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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address

President Barack Obama delivered his annual State of the Union address last night, making numerous claims about his accomplishments in office and agenda for the year ahead. The Onion clarifies several of the president’s erroneous and ambiguous claims below:

  • “Women earn 77 cents on the dollar”: Our studies found that women are paid 77 cents on the dollar, but only truly earn about 56.
  • “Already, 23 people have signed up for health insurance through the Affordable Care Act”: This statement is true.
  • “My wife, Mackenzie”: The president’s wife is named Michelle.
  • “The American people are capable of great things”: The American people are capable of things.
  • “I”: By positing the existence of a fixed, independent self that is distinct from the group, Obama succumbs to a classic existential misconception: reifying the ego, that illusory, shifting entity that is not apart from, but of, the whole.
  • “Today, the federal minimum wage is worth about 20 percent less than it was when Ronald Reagan first stood here”: We didn’t bother looking this one up. It sounds right, though.
  • “Men tend to have bigger hands than women”: This is patently true.
  • “I vow to [some bullshit about income inequality]”: Not even fucking close to the truth. You think that when the Wall Street puppet masters pull the strings, he won’t dance for them? Open your eyes!
  • “This statement is a lie”: Upon investigation, it was found that this statement is in fact true.
  • “We’re going all the way to state”: While we have a pretty fair shot at beating the Pierce Panthers this year, at this point in the season it’s anybody’s game and we’re definitely going to have to hustle a hell of a lot harder now that they’ve got C.J. “Cyclone” Kenner at quarterback. Go Bulldogs!

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Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

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