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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address

President Barack Obama delivered his annual State of the Union address last night, making numerous claims about his accomplishments in office and agenda for the year ahead. The Onion clarifies several of the president’s erroneous and ambiguous claims below:

  • “Women earn 77 cents on the dollar”: Our studies found that women are paid 77 cents on the dollar, but only truly earn about 56.
  • “Already, 23 people have signed up for health insurance through the Affordable Care Act”: This statement is true.
  • “My wife, Mackenzie”: The president’s wife is named Michelle.
  • “The American people are capable of great things”: The American people are capable of things.
  • “I”: By positing the existence of a fixed, independent self that is distinct from the group, Obama succumbs to a classic existential misconception: reifying the ego, that illusory, shifting entity that is not apart from, but of, the whole.
  • “Today, the federal minimum wage is worth about 20 percent less than it was when Ronald Reagan first stood here”: We didn’t bother looking this one up. It sounds right, though.
  • “Men tend to have bigger hands than women”: This is patently true.
  • “I vow to [some bullshit about income inequality]”: Not even fucking close to the truth. You think that when the Wall Street puppet masters pull the strings, he won’t dance for them? Open your eyes!
  • “This statement is a lie”: Upon investigation, it was found that this statement is in fact true.
  • “We’re going all the way to state”: While we have a pretty fair shot at beating the Pierce Panthers this year, at this point in the season it’s anybody’s game and we’re definitely going to have to hustle a hell of a lot harder now that they’ve got C.J. “Cyclone” Kenner at quarterback. Go Bulldogs!

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