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Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

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How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.
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Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address

President Barack Obama delivered his annual State of the Union address last night, making numerous claims about his accomplishments in office and agenda for the year ahead. The Onion clarifies several of the president’s erroneous and ambiguous claims below:

  • “Women earn 77 cents on the dollar”: Our studies found that women are paid 77 cents on the dollar, but only truly earn about 56.
  • “Already, 23 people have signed up for health insurance through the Affordable Care Act”: This statement is true.
  • “My wife, Mackenzie”: The president’s wife is named Michelle.
  • “The American people are capable of great things”: The American people are capable of things.
  • “I”: By positing the existence of a fixed, independent self that is distinct from the group, Obama succumbs to a classic existential misconception: reifying the ego, that illusory, shifting entity that is not apart from, but of, the whole.
  • “Today, the federal minimum wage is worth about 20 percent less than it was when Ronald Reagan first stood here”: We didn’t bother looking this one up. It sounds right, though.
  • “Men tend to have bigger hands than women”: This is patently true.
  • “I vow to [some bullshit about income inequality]”: Not even fucking close to the truth. You think that when the Wall Street puppet masters pull the strings, he won’t dance for them? Open your eyes!
  • “This statement is a lie”: Upon investigation, it was found that this statement is in fact true.
  • “We’re going all the way to state”: While we have a pretty fair shot at beating the Pierce Panthers this year, at this point in the season it’s anybody’s game and we’re definitely going to have to hustle a hell of a lot harder now that they’ve got C.J. “Cyclone” Kenner at quarterback. Go Bulldogs!

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