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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address

Addressing issues ranging from income inequality and tax reform to trade agreements and the Cuba embargo, President Obama offered arguments for a wide range of policy proposals in last night’s State of the Union. The Onion takes a deeper look at some of his bolder claims:

  • “Fourteen of the 15 warmest years on record have all fallen in the first 15 years of this century”: This statement is true, unless you decide to believe that it isn’t.
  • “The shadow of crisis has passed”: Only a naïve man or a liar could say such a thing. Crisis’s long shadow haunts us always.
  • “ISIS will be disrupted by our airstrikes, but will likely continue to operate and commit mass atrocities for years to come”: True
  • “Wages are finally starting to rise again”: This is false. What we perceive as “time” is merely an illusion created by the limitations of our own consciousness. All is now.
  • “Tonight, the San Antonio Spurs will defeat the Denver Nuggets 109-99 in overtime”: Though this was in fact the final score, the Spurs-Nuggets game ended in regulation.
  • “Forty-three million workers have no paid sick leave”: Really? Wow.
  • “During season two of Oz: The president was actually referring to season three.
  • “So, it’s time we stop treating childcare as a side issue, or a women’s issue, and treat it like the national economic priority that it is for all of us”: Childcare is an issue exclusive to women.
  • “As always, we pay our respects to Inari, God of Storms, for providing us this bountiful harvest”: The God of Storms is Susanoo; Inari is the God of Foxes.
  • “Snake!”: It was actually just an old length of hose.

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