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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Failed ESPN Shows

For every Around The Horn, ESPN has produced a Stump The Schwab. Some other properties from the Worldwide Leader that never made the cut:

  • Engolfed: Scott Van Pelt immerses viewers in the week's latest golf news while buried neck-deep in a bunker
  • Three-Point Land: A kid's show that takes place in the mystical land "beyond the arc," starring Jared Dudley and Mo Williams
  • E:720: A panel of reporters dig so deep into their stories, they realize it's all just a game and none of this really matters in the grand scheme of things
  • Jim Rome's Burning Sensation: As in other incarnations of his programs, the often controversial and hard-to-watch host winces in pain and lets out a series of guttural sounds while clutching his crotch
  • Fists In Focus: Prominent boxers discuss their favorite techniques for tightly closing their hands and give punching demonstrations by pounding the shit out of the studio audience
  • The Bronx Is Fine: An eight-part miniseries in which the 1996 Yankees don't really have to overcome much to win the World Series and America is doing well—really well, actually

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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