Failed ESPN Shows

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Vol 46 Issue 09

Ball Movement Making Dirk Nowitzki Nauseous

DALLAS—During last Wednesday's game against the Phoenix Suns, Mavericks center Dirk Nowitzki reportedly told teammates that he "needed a sec" after a possession featuring quick-paced perimeter passing made him nauseous.

Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save

HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thomas, 3, continued this week to destroy the failing marriage he was brought into this world to save.

Soda Tax Suggested In California

California lawmaker Dean Florez has introduced a bill that would tax soda and other sugary drinks one cent for every teaspoon of caloric sweetener...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Entertainment

Failed ESPN Shows

For every Around The Horn, ESPN has produced a Stump The Schwab. Some other properties from the Worldwide Leader that never made the cut:

  • Engolfed: Scott Van Pelt immerses viewers in the week's latest golf news while buried neck-deep in a bunker
  • Three-Point Land: A kid's show that takes place in the mystical land "beyond the arc," starring Jared Dudley and Mo Williams
  • E:720: A panel of reporters dig so deep into their stories, they realize it's all just a game and none of this really matters in the grand scheme of things
  • Jim Rome's Burning Sensation: As in other incarnations of his programs, the often controversial and hard-to-watch host winces in pain and lets out a series of guttural sounds while clutching his crotch
  • Fists In Focus: Prominent boxers discuss their favorite techniques for tightly closing their hands and give punching demonstrations by pounding the shit out of the studio audience
  • The Bronx Is Fine: An eight-part miniseries in which the 1996 Yankees don't really have to overcome much to win the World Series and America is doing well—really well, actually
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