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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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'Family Circus' Creator Dead

Bil Keane, whose comic strip The Family Circus has appeared in newspapers since 1960, passed away last week at the age of 89. Here is a brief history of the strip and its creator:

  • 1962 PJ, the youngest child, is introduced in a particularly graphic birth panel
  • 1967 Keane hears "Purple Haze" for the first time, but the experience exerts absolutely no influence on his work
  • 1970 The kids get a new pet when they're allowed to keep Sam, a stray dog, instead of being forced to drown him in a burlap sack as Keane had originally planned
  • 1974 The now legendary "Daddy, do you want me to eat your pudding so you won't have to?" panel debuts to universal acclaim
  • 1975 Mere days before the Fall of Saigon, Billy is shot on the Cambodian border, one of the last U.S. casualties of the Vietnam conflict
  • 1977 Keane bumps into Love Is… creator Kim Casali at a cartoonist's convention and beats the shit out of her
  • 1982 While exploring each other's differences, 3-year-old Jeffy and a neighbor girl discover he has a shoehorn and she has a bucket
  • 1991 When new character "Cousin Greg" proves to be unpopular, the family abandons him at the ice cream parlor
  • 1994 Keane overhears someone say, "I feel lonely," and thinks to himself, hey, that's a comic right there
  • 1995 The strip is revealed to take place in an alternate universe where Dwight Eisenhower has been elected president 11 times
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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