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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Famous Flops In Sports

Faking outrage or egregious injury in order to draw a penalty, once the purview of soccer players, is becoming more and more common across all sports these days.

  • From 2007 to 2010 Tony Romo faked five injuries, forcing the Cowboys to block WebMD on all Cowboys franchise computers
  • Alex Rodriguez helps the Yankees win the 2009 World Series by drawing a controversial charging call on Chase Utley
  • Before his 1997 title fight against Mike Tyson, Evander Holyfield placed a 500,000-to-1 proposition bet that his ear would be chewed off, and then cut off his upper right lobe when nobody was looking and planted it in Tyson's mouth with a brutal left hook
  • Manu Ginobili misses almost 40 regular season games and the entirety of the 2009 playoffs nursing a fake ankle injury sustained during a particularly violent flop
  • Kyle Busch is often criticized by NASCAR fans and analysts alike for trying to draw yellow flags by pretending to spin out, take out four other cars, hit the wall, and explode
  • Kings center Vlade Divac shamefully cost his team the 2002 Western Conference Finals by repeatedly flopping even though the NBA had set a very clear and strict no-fouls-called-on-the-Lakers policy for the series
  • Shaquille O'Neal would often reverse-flop out of genuine fouls to avoid shooting free throws

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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